Guess who won't be bugging you this summer?
http://pd.gophercentral.com/u/2140/c/186/a/585
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THE DAILY GROANER - Monday, April 18th 2011
Good Morning Groanies,
This morning I had the worst bloody nose of my life. I
was all set to head into work when I felt like my nose
was running. I went it the bathroom to blow my nose when
I looked into the mirror and screamed. I couldn't believe
how awful I look in the morning, but then my attention
was drawn to a particular segment of my face... the old
schnoz.
Blood was running out of my nose like it was a facet.
I grabbed tissues, toilet paper, old issue of Popular
Mechanics, anything to stop the bleeding.
Finally, after a few minutes, I was back to as close to
normal as I could get. I was so relieved, but now I have
to run to the store and get more rolls of toilet paper.
On the upside, I can use the old TP rolls, add a little
bit of peanut butter and some bird seed, and make bird-
feeders like I did when I was in cub scouts. How's that
for creative?
You see I can be positive... sometimes.
Groaningly yours,
Steve
Email Steve: mailto:groaner@gophercentral.com
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Are you ready for some bizarre colonoscopy humor? Well,
if you are... give me no sign. Great! Enjoy these jokes
and feel free to use any of them the next time your
doctor jams a camcorder up your tailpipe.
[A physician claims these are actual comments from his
patients made while he was performing colonoscopies.]
1. "Take it easy, Doc, you're boldly going where no man
has gone before."
2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
3. "Can you hear me NOW?"
4. "Oh boy, that was sphincterrific!"
5. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
6. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."
7. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
8. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out.
You do the Hokey Pokey...."
9. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
10. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must acquit!"
11. "Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
12. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
13. "Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my
head is not, in fact, up there?"
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A one dollar bill met a twenty dollar bill and said,
"Hey, where have you been? I haven't seen you around
here much."
The twenty answered, "I've been hanging out at the
casinos, went on a cruise and did the rounds of the ship,
back to the United States for a while, went to a couple
of baseball games, to the mall, that kind of stuff. How
about you?"
The one dollar bill said, "You know, same old stuff...
church, church, church."
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Q: What do you call a woman with a sinking ship on her
head?
A: Mandy Lifeboats!
Q: What kind of illness does Bruce Lee get?
A: Kung Flu!
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