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Dec. 28, 2009
COUPLES ARE NOT DESTINED TO GROW APART WITH TIME
DEAR ABBY: I have only recently realized how unhappy my
parents' marriage is. On the way home from a concert one
night, my mom started crying and said how much she wanted
to be with a man who could stay awake throughout a perform-
ance. Then she told me I should never get married. She said
people "always grow apart." She has been saying it repeat-
edly over the last few weeks and has even had some of her
friends tell me the same thing.
I began asking other people about it, and they all act like
they're not happy in their marriages, either. I am now genu-
inely afraid to get married.
I am 18 and have just started dating a man you would consider
marriage material. But I'm holding back my feelings because
I'm afraid one day he might propose. Is "happily ever after"
achievable anymore in a marriage?
-- UPSET IN GRAND RAPIDS
DEAR UPSET: Your parents' marriage appears to have hit a
rough patch. When your mother started crying after the con-
cert, I guarantee she wasn't crying because your father
couldn't stay awake until the end. She was crying because
she was disappointed in him for something else.
While the intensity of feelings can fluctuate over time in a
marriage, couples do not "always" grow apart. The fact that
your mother's friends are echoing those sentiments makes me
wonder what kind of a crowd she's surrounding herself with,
because unhappy people usually attract other negative people.
While I know from experience that a lasting, loving relation-
ship/marriage is possible, allow me to point out that the
qualities that attract someone at 18 may not be necessarily
the same ones you'll find important when you're older. That
is why it's important that before you start thinking about
marriage, you first establish yourself as an independent,
self-supporting young woman and take your time before
committing yourself to anyone.
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DEAR ABBY: A former professor of mine was a good friend and
very supportive last year when I was experiencing some per-
sonal difficulties. Recently I have heard that he has not
been acting like himself. I was told he has developed a bad
attitude, curses in class, and uses his degree to demean his
students' opinions on topics. One of his current students
told me he's surprised the professor hasn't been thrown out
of class for his behavior.
This is not the same professor who helped me last year. It
seems like his evil twin. I suspect he may be having some
personal problems. Because of our previous professor/student
relationship, I don't think I can get involved. However,
because of the help he gave me when I needed it, I care and
would like to offer support. Is there anything I can do? I
want my friend back.
-- STUDENT WHO CARES
DEAR STUDENT: While it might not be appropriate for you to
reach out to your former professor directly, it still may be
possible to get him some help. Tell the student who spoke to
you that he and some of the other members of the class should
talk to the head of the department or the dean about what has
been going on and the fact that the professor may be in need
of help. If the man is, indeed, having personal problems,
his supervisor would be in a better position to see he gets
it than you are.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most
frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-
sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order
for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O.
Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included
in the price.)
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as
Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline
Phillips. Write Dear Abby at
T="_new" class="abbylink">www.DearAbby.com
or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.