Wednesday, July 15, 2015

Good morning crew,

Payday today! Not that I have anything exciting planned for the few shekels I have carved out of my budget for spending money.

Since the wife works late on Wednesdays and I get home early, I have gotten into the habit of mowing the lawn Wednesday afternoon.

The big advantage of this routine is that it is cheap. But unfortunately (for my neighbors, anyway) lately I have been making something of a production out of it.

You see, I like to puff on a fat, Elvish cigar while I mow. And since it is a good idea to have some refreshment handy while working in hot weather I usually have a cooler with a few beers in it sitting on the sidewalk. Of course, this is one of the few opportunities I have to soak up a little sun, so weather permitting I like to strip down to as few clothes as is legally permissible.

So if you're out in the southwest burbs this afternoon and you see a naked guy pushing a lawn mower in drunken zig zags around his lawn while smoking a big, Groucho Marx cigar, it's probably me.

Yes, I have become that guy.

Laugh it up,

Joe

joe@gophercentral.com

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"We're here in San Diego for Comic-Con. Comic-Con is the only place where you can meet a Superman whose kryptonite is his nut allergy." -Conan O'Brien

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"Normally you'd get on the plane able to relax. Except you don't because when you have two children under the age of 5. You try to find ways to calm your kids down, but apparently, according to British Airways, those cute little kid-sized bottles of alcohol aren't actually for kids." -James Corden

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"One of the contestants during last night's Miss USA Pageant said she wished Oprah Winfrey was eligible to replace Alexander Hamilton on the $10 bill. To which Oprah responded, 'They make $10 bills?'" -Seth Meyers

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One evening I was driving my six-year-old daughter to her grandparents' home for an overnight stay. It was late, there was little traffic and we were enjoying a peaceful ride. It was a far cry from the usual chaos surrounding us when I drive her to various activities during rush hour.

My daughter seemed deep in thought when she said, "I have a question."

"What do you want to know?"

"Mom, when you're driving," she asked, "are you ever the idiot?"


*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------*
First thing - every single morning - one of the secretaries in our office opened the newspaper and read everyone's horoscope aloud.

"Gwen," said our boss finally, "you seem to be a normal, level-headed person. Do you really believe in astrology?"

"Of course not," Gwen answered. "You know how skeptical we Capricorns are."