Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Good morning crew,

By this time tomorrow I'll be in Las Vegas. The forecast for the rest of the week is 80 degrees and sunny (that's Vegas, in the Chicago area it will be in the 40s and cloudy). Not that I will be spending a lot of time outdoors.

My plan is to spend the first afternoon at the blackjack tables. By five in the evening I should have won four or five hundred bucks, estimating conservatively. Then a break to visit the hotel room, freshen up and regroup for dinner and drinks.

Then a show. I think the wife reserved tickets for Cirque du Soleil. That should wrap up around ten o'clock and after that I will probably follow the wife around the slot machines, loaning her money. That should just about consume the first day's winnings.

Thursday I have the entire evening reserved for roulette. If my plan comes off the way I expect I should finish Thursday night about two thousand dollars ahead.

That means I only have Friday to make my big killing. The way I figure it I need about $30,000 in order to buy a house, and the only game with the odds to bring me that kind of money is craps.

I think I can do it.

Wish me luck.

Laugh it up,

Joe

joe@gophercentral.com

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***
Marriage is like taking a hot bath. After you've been in it for a while... it isn't so hot.

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I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and think, "Well, that's not going to happen."

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According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is their eyes. And women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars.

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Most people would be angry if their company was bought and the new owners replaced them with their own people. Not our neighbor Andy. "You know how it goes," he said, waxing philosophical. "Every circus brings its own clowns."

***
On a visit to Boston, I noticed a parking meter with a paper sack over it upon which was written: "Broken."

A skeptical parking officer removed the bag, inserted a quarter in the meter and turned the dial. It worked perfectly. As the officer began to write a parking ticket, the car's owner rushed out of a nearby building.

"What are you doing?" he yelled after a quick glance at the meter. "There's plenty of time left!"


*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------*
Maury ran a small commercial real estate company. One day, a few years back, he sold his interest in one of his projects for 3 million dollars.

The only problem was that the guy who bought him out was a big shot in his very small hometown in Pennsylvania, and he wanted Maury to use the local bank branch.

So Maury goes in to the bank and tells the teller he'd like to open a few accounts. The teller goes through the list of gifts you can get for your initial deposit. $300 gets you a toaster, $600 for a television, etc. The teller then asks him how much he would like to deposit. Without saying a word, Maury hands her the cashier's check.

The teller turns bright red, and runs to get her manager.
The manager escorts him into her office, where they sit down.

"Sir, welcome to our town. We're thrilled to have you as a customer. What can I get you?"

To which Maury replied, "I'll take 10,000 toasters."