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Tuesday, August 12, 2014Good morning crew,
The Ren Faire wasn't the only adventure I had over the weekend. It seems one of old Mason's brothers is getting married and Mason organized a little bachelor party for him Saturday night.
As usual with this group of degenerates they wanted to kick things off at a casino. Since I am trying to pay for a house right now, money is about as tight as it's ever been, but by going through the sofa cushions and my wife's purse I was able to scrape together enough loose change and crumpled up dollar bills to at least afford to walk through the front door.
It was an interesting time with this group. They were constantly wandering from one table to the next; video poker, the bar, blackjack, back to the bar, roulette, and back to the bar again. I spent so much time running around that when I finally got a chance to sit down for more than five minutes and count I discovered that I had almost doubled my kitty. It also helped that I was able to avoid paying for most of my drinks by telling consecutive members of the group that I would "get the next one" every time we stopped at the bar.
This combination of luck and strategy enabled me to afford the next chapter in this little excursion which was the club we all went to.
I can't say very much about this part for reasons of propriety. Suffice it to say that most of the money I took from the casino I deposited at this club. The bachelor seemed to have a good time, though. Mason made sure of that. In fact, I didn't see much of him. He spent most of his time away from the table we were occupying.
I, on the other hand, tried to keep myself inconspicuous. At one point a woman did approach me where I sat and when it appeared that she was about to sit down on my lap I gave a yelp and said, "Please don't hurt me! I have a bad hip."
The poor girl, I think I frightened her. But maybe the word got around because not another girl approached me the rest of the night. Eh, it wasn't my bachelor party anyway.
Laugh it up,
Joe
joe@gophercentral.comP.S. Did you miss an issue? You can read every issue from the Gophercentral library of newsletters on our exhaustive archives page. Thousands of issues, all of your favorite publications in chronological order. You can read AND comment. Just click
GopherArchives***"A company has announced a new service where you carpool with strangers. It's a new cutting-edge technology called 'a bus.'" -Conan O'Brien
***"Dunkin' Donuts announced they have created their first-ever coffee-flavored doughnut. First ever? Your name is Dunkin' Donuts. Your name is a recipe for coffee-flavored doughnuts." -Seth Meyers
***"The new 'Ninja Turtles' movie that opens today. I had a pet turtle when I was a kid. He taught me a lot. For instance, he taught me I love the taste of turtle soup." -Craig Ferguson
***Husband's call:
"Honey it's me. I don't want to alarm you but I was hit by a car as I was leaving the office. Paula brought me to the hospital. They have checked me over and done some tests and some x-rays.
"The blow to my head was severe. Fortunately it did not cause any serious internal injury. However I have three broken ribs and a compound fracture in the left leg. However, the doctors think it will be OK, but they want to monitor the leg for a few days to make sure there are no complications. I'm in room 406 at Baptist East."
Wife's Response: "Who is Paula?"
And if you find that hard to believe, you've never been married.
*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------*Paraprosdokians (Winston Churchill loved them) are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected, frequently humorous.
1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.
3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right--only who is left.
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
9. I didn't say it was your fault; I said I was blaming you.
10. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, Notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'
11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut and still think they are sexy.
12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
13. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
15. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
16. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
17. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it's getting harder and harder for me to find one now.