Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Good morning crew,

It may have been a mistake, but I told the wife that if the condo doesn't sell and we don't buy a house this year, we can splurge on a little something for ourselves. This last year we have been living pretty frugally in an effort to save money; skipping clothes shopping, skipping birthday and Christmas presents for each other, recycling dental floss, that kind of thing. It may not sound very parsimonious, but for an employed, childless couple who are used to the little comforts, that is ascetic.

She may be interpreting this promise a bit too extravagantly. I was thinking maybe some new clothes, or a new computer, or a weekender in Lake Geneva, Wisconsin, but last night I caught her looking up air fares to Aruba.

Laugh it up,

Joe

joe@gophercentral.com

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"I just saw that minor league baseball players have filed a class-action lawsuit to demand better pay - as opposed to the OTHER way they could get better pay: being better at baseball." -Jimmy Fallon

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"The Orange County Fair in California has started selling bacon-wrapped churros, fried in bacon fat and filled with a half shot of Jack Daniels. I hear they are simply to die of." -Seth Meyers

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"A major wildfire in northern California is now being blamed on marijuana farmers. Everyone in the region's really angry about it - unless they're downwind, then they're totally cool." -Conan O'Brien

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On the first day God created the cow. God said, "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty and I'll give back the other forty." And God agreed.

On the second day God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give you back the other ten." So God agreed.

On the third day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?" And God agreed again.

On the forth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. I'll give you twenty years."

Man said, "What? Only twenty years! Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty the cow gave back, and the ten the dog gave back and the ten the monkey gave back, that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You've got a deal."

So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, and enjoy ourselves; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained.


*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------*
A man was on his way home with a new car, which was absorbing all his attention, when it struck him that he had forgotten something. Twice he stopped, counted his parcels, searched his pockets, but finally decided he had everything with him. Yet the feeling persisted.

When he reached home his daughter ran out, stopped short, and cried, "Daddy, where's Mommy?"