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Wednesday, May 17, 2017

Good morning crew,

The wife took her mother downtown to Navy Pier today. As a Mother's Day present she got a couple tickets on one of those three masted schooners that go on afternoon lake tours.

She just sent me a picture of the boat still inside the breakwater with the masts bare. She said the captain just announced that that wind was a little too brisk and he might not raise the sails.

I wrote back, "You paid for a sailing cruise. You tell him to grow a pair and get that canvas up!"

She responded, "Is there something I should know? Did you take out some new insurance on me or something?"

"No, why?" I asked.

She just wrote back, "Because it sounds like you want me dead."

Laugh it up,


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"Parents at a Florida school are reportedly outraged after a video surfaced of students in a classroom twerking and giving lap dances. Or as it's called in Florida, Career Day." -Seth Meyers


"Yesterday, a brawl broke out at a Florida airport after Spirit Airlines canceled several flights. To restore control, airport police were forced to fire Cinnabons into the crowd." -Conan O'Brien


"I read about a coffee shop in Toronto that doesn't have any Wi-Fi to encourage customers to talk to each other. Although all the customers talk about now is how they should really get Wi-Fi in this coffee shop." -Jimmy Fallon


Hunter was 5-years-old and was staying with his grandfather for a few days. He was playing outside with the other kids when he came into the house and asked, "Grandpa, what's it called when two people sleep in the same bedroom and one is on top of the other?"

His Grandpa was a little uncomfortable with the question, but he decided honesty was the best policy. "Well, Hunter, that's called sexual intercourse."

"Oh," Little Hunter said, "OK," and went back outside to play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said, "Grandpa, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called bunk beds. And Jimmy's mom wants to talk to you."

*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------*

A classics professor tears his favorite pair of trousers, so he takes them to the Greek tailor in his neighborhood to get them mended. The tailor asks: "Euripides?"

The professor replies: "Yes. Eumenides?"

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