Monday, May 4, 2015

Good morning crew,

Tonight I'm going to find out what kind of a handyman I am. When I was buying an extension ladder at the home improvement store this weekend I discovered a sort of construction sealant for do-it-yourselfers. Basically it is liquid rubber in a spray can.

So I immediately bought a half dozen cans. I figured it had to be a better solution to fixing the leak in my roof than my original plan of stapling plastic grocery bags all over the roof.

The only problem is that when I got up there I couldn't find any obvious damage. There were no missing shingles, no holes, no obvious depressions where water might accumulate. But after several minutes of intense analysis I determined that the most likely place for the roof to leak is where it meets the chimney. That, and that is what the roofer told me when he looked at it last week.

So I got up there and started spraying the stuff around. I learned pretty quickly that it is tricky stuff to work with. It is mostly liquid when it comes out, but it turns sticky very fast.

About half way through the project my father-in-law stopped by to see how I was doing (because my wife, who obviously doesn't trust me, ratted me out to him). He found me sitting on the roof about three cans in, a little high from the propellant fumes, and liberally festooned with sticky, little threads of partially set liquid rubber. I had it on my forearms, pants, T-shirt and face. I couldn't touch the stuff without it sticking to my fingers in a long, glistening strand, like black snot.

The stuff really does get everywhere. My father-in-law just shook his head and laughed at me. When I asked him if he wanted to help he said, "You're not getting me to mess with that stuff!"

At least he got his entertainment for the afternoon.

Well, there is a learning curve for everything. Eventually I got the hang of applying it and after about three hours I had covered the base of the chimney and an 8 or 10 inch area around it (not to mention my hands up to the wrists) in a quarter-inch-thick layer of rubber.

Now all I have to do is wait. The roofer can't replace the roof until he has a guaranteed couple of days of clear weather, and it is supposed to rain all week starting tonight. If this patch-job doesn't work I'm in trouble!

Laugh it up,

Joe

joe@gophercentral.com

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"In Oregon, a number of brewers are competing to turn sewer water into beer. The brewer said, 'Hey, if Bud Light can do it, we can do it.'" -Conan O'Brien

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"A family cleaning out their grandparents' attic in Florida found a wooden box containing a mummified pirate's hand on a map with gold coins. A treasure chest full of gold pirate coins may be cool, but do you know what I have in my attic? Family heirlooms and pictures of all my loved ones - and isn't that the real treasure? No, no it isn't. The real treasure is a treasure chest full of gold pirate coins." -James Corden

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"Of course, tomorrow is the 141st running of the Kentucky Derby! Yeah, it's that special time of year when people use a two-minute event as an excuse to drink for 12 hours." -Jimmy Fallon

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After a long day of shopping, my mother and I stopped at a grocery store. I ran in to pick up a few things, leaving her in the car. As I approached the checkout I was surprised to see my mother there waiting for me.

"Mom," I said, "what are you doing in here? I left the motor running."

"It's all right, dear," she replied reassuringly. "I locked the doors."


*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------*
My girlfriend isn't the brightest bulb. One day when she was being particularly dimwitted, I said in frustration, "What's your IQ anyway?!"

She shot back defiantly, "20/20!"