Monday, August 8, 2016

Good morning crew,

Welcome to a whole new week.

Today is really bad joke day. I'm letting you know now in case you want to stop reading here (although I encourage you to click on any product advertisements you might find interesting).

Following is a baseline joke:


Knock knock.

Who's there?

To.

To who?

No, no, to whom.


If you read any farther you do so on your own responsibility.

Laugh it up,

Joe

joe@gophercentral.com

P.S. Did you miss an issue? You can read every issue from the Gophercentral library of newsletters on our exhaustive archives page. Thousands of issues, all of your favorite publications in chronological order. You can read AND comment. Just click GopherArchives




"Our friends in North Korea are said to be working on a big new project. Sometime in the next 10 years North Korea is hoping to plant a flag on the moon. And by that they mean they're looking for someone who can Photoshop a picture of their flag on the moon." -Jimmy Kimmel

***
"Doctors are telling the Rio athletes competing in water sports not to put their heads under water to avoid getting sick. Athletes asked how they were supposed to swim with their heads in the air, and doctors were like, 'Oh, no, don't - you don't breathe in the air. That's even worse.'" -Jimmy Fallon

***
"A resort in Mexico has opened the first underwater bar. Shortly afterwards it became host to the world's slowest bar fight ever." -Conan O'Brien

***
C, E-flat and G go into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve minors," and E-flat leaves. C and G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me, I'll just be a second."

A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor and sends him out. Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and shouts, "Get out now. You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."

Next night, E-flat, not easily deflated, comes into the bar in a 3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender says: "You're looking pretty sharp tonight. Come on in. This could be a major development." Sure enough, E-flat takes off his suit and everything else and stands there au naturel.

Eventually, C, who had passed out under the bar the night before, begins to sober up and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. So, C goes to trial, is convicted of contributing to the diminution of a minor and sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an up scale correctional facility. The conviction is overturned on appeal, however, and C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless.

The bartender decides, however, that since he's only had tenor so patrons, the soprano out in the bathroom and everything has become alto much treble, he needs a rest and closes the bar.




*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------*
A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there's a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.

Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there's a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers.

Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there's a large limo line at the rental office, but he's patient and gets the job done.

Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there's no punchline.