Wednesday, February 3, 2016

Good morning crew,

We have had some unusually warm weather here in the Chicago area over the last few days. 40s, even 50. For those of you not familiar with the area we are usually closer to 0 than 50 this time of year.

I am no alarmist, but global warming seems less like a theory and more like a reality when I can walk around outside in my shirtsleeves in the middle of winter.

Not being a meteorologist, I can see two likely consequences of this. Either we will be getting blizzards in spring when winter finally catches up with us, or we will get getting 100 degree heat waves in May from the inertia. Neither of which I am really looking forward to.

I have things to do this year. I don't have time to turn my house into a fortress and hoard food and ammunition for when a weather apocalypse causes the collapse of civilization and we're all driving around a wasteland in improvised tanks like Mad Max.

But if that does happen I call the gang name Magnifico Giganticus.

Laugh it up,

Joe

joe@gophercentral.com

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"It's being reported that a woman took her 5-year-old son along on a bank robbery. Apparently, she told the teller, 'Give me all your money or I'm leaving my 5-year-old.'" -Conan O'Brien

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"The Iowa caucuses are an important part of our election process. There are a few key differences between a caucus and a primary election. First one is, no one knows what a caucus is or how it works." -Jimmy Kimmel

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"A law enforcement agency in Florida revealed that it paid 15 employees to get drunk to see if its breathalyzer tests worked. In related news, it looks like I'm gettin' a second job!" -Jimmy Fallon

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A young couple honeymooning in Las Vegas were down to their last two dollars. The groom told the bride that he had a feeling that he could turn the two bucks into a fortune if he went down to the casino alone.

Once in the casino, he put one dollar each into two slot machines and won Jackpots on both totaling $10,000. He then played blackjack for an hour until he had $50,000 in chips. Next, he played poker and upped his winnings to $100,000.

He was about to cash in his chips when he got a hunch that his luck hadn't run out. So he took all his money and placed it on Black at the roulette table, hoping to double his money. But the ball came up Red. He returned to his hotel room.

"How did you do?" asked the bride.

The groom shrugged and said, "I lost two dollars."


*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------*
A man was sitting alone in his office one night when a genie popped up out of his ashtray.

"And what will your third wish be?"

The man looked at the genie and said, "Huh? How can I be getting a third wish when I haven't had a first or second wish yet?"

"You have had two wishes already," the genie said, "but your second wish was for me to put everything back the way it was before you made your first wish. Thus, you remember nothing, because everything is the way it was before you made any wishes. You now have one wish left."

"Okay," said the man, "I don't believe this, but what the heck. I've always wanted to understand women. I'd love to know what's going on inside their heads."

"Funny," said the genie as it granted his wish and disappeared forever, "That was your first wish, too!"