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Monday, January 18, 2010
Good morning crew,
Hey Joe - I can't believe how close my dinner
last night is to your planned dinner tonight.
Of course we had steaks instead of Pork Chops,
steamed potatoes with sweet onion. The corn
was delish. And no wine, just water - but the
similarities are mind-boggling! LOL! -Teresa
Well, it's hard to go wrong with meat and potatoes. Did
you eat alone, too? You know, it's never a good idea to
drink and watch the History Channel at the same time.
If you need a dinner date how about my husband
Steve? I've got a nasty sinus infection and
don't feel like cooking tonight. And, he does
dishes!! :) Hopefully, Susan
Only if he's willing to cuddle afterward.
Laugh it up,
Joe
mailto:joe@gophercentral.com
P.S. We now have a Forum. You can post comments on this and
recent issues at... http://cleanlaffs.gophercentral.com
***
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"NASA says that a mystery object passed by Earth yesterday
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Hey, since we're now living in the time of e-mail (and blogs
and texts and Tweets) and the more common use of the written
language, it is time for an English lesson.
So, with tongue firmly in cheek, here are some rules to keep
in mind when using the Queen's Engerlish:
1. Verbs has to agree with their subjects.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.
4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
5. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat).
6. Always avoid annoying alliteration.
7. Be more or less specific.
8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually)
unnecessary.
9. Also, too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
10. No sentence fragments. No comma splices, run-ons are bad
too.
11. Contractions aren't helpful and shouldn't be used.
12. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
13. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary;
it's highly superfluous.
14. One should never generalize.
15. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
16. Don't use no double negatives.
17. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
18. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
20. The passive voice is to be ignored.
21. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical
words however should be enclosed in commas.
22. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.
23. Kill all exclamation points!!!!
24. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
25. Understatement is probably not the best way to propose
earth shattering ideas.
26. Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when
its not needed.
27. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me
what you know."
28. If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times:
resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it
correctly.
29. Puns are for children, not groan readers.
30. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
31. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
32. Who needs rhetorical questions?
33. Exaggeration is a million times worse than understatement.
34. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ---------------*
Classified Ad from local newspaper:
06' Suzuki GSXR 1000, $9,000
This bike is perfect! It has only 1,000 miles and has had
its 500 mile dealer service.
It's been adult ridden, all wheels have always been on the
ground. I use it as a cruiser/commuter. I'm selling it
because it was purchased without proper consent of a loving
wife. Apparently "Do whatever you want." doesn't mean what
I thought. Call Steve. 555-1212.
____________________________________________________________
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