Wednesday, March 2, 2016

Good morning crew,

I have been sick for 14 days now. I think I'm starting to get used to it. I wake up feeling groggy but functional. It usually takes me an hour or two to get fully awake at which point I'm able to squeeze in a couple hours of work.

By nine or ten the sinus pressure starts to build until I have a massive headache early in the afternoon. Then I take some drugs and head off to the school where I try not to slur my words or act too loopy around the little kids.

The amazing thing is that the wife is healthy as an ox. She hasn't had a sniffle in two weeks. Thank goodness. She doesn't deserve whatever I have.

But I think...I think! I'm not in quite as much agonizing pain today as I was yesterday. Hopefully I am convalescing because this weekend is my neighborhood's St. Patrick's Day Irish parade. The wife and I really enjoyed ourselves at this event last year and I'm hoping to make it again this year.

Laugh it up,

Joe

joe@gophercentral.com

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"A company in Boston built a 5 foot 9 robot that can open doors, and can actually get back up if it's punched. They didn't MEAN to test whether it can get up after being punched, but well, it's Boston." Jimmy Fallon

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"Washington, D.C., 7-Eleven stores have begun selling Dorito-coated cheese sticks. Because when 7-Eleven drops food on the floor, they don't give up." -Seth Meyers

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"The price of roses always goes way up around Valentine's Day. Valentine's Day is the only holiday where a plant suddenly becomes astronomically expensive and we're OK with it. It would be like if on Easter they charged $20 an egg." -Jimmy Kimmel

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As you know, Neanderthal man may have interbred with modern man. His descendants are with us even today, passing for full-blooded Homo sapiens.

If you suspect a "touch of the old hand ax" in your ancestry, score yourself on this test:

1. Do your eyebrows meet in the middle? If so, give yourself five points.

2. Can you lock your knees in an upright position? If not, take five points.

3. Got a chin? If the answer is no, add three points.

4. How about a forehead? If not, add another three points.

5. Is it easy for you to balance a book on your head? Then give yourself five points.

6. Do you ever open Coke bottles with your teeth? If you do, add ten points.

7. Are you frequently more comfortable squatting on your heels than sitting in a chair? Take five points.

8. Is your head attached vertically to your neck? If not, add one point for every five degrees of slope.

9. Less than five feet tall? Add one point for every inch under.

10. If your lower arm is shorter than your upper arm, add one point for every inch of difference.

11. Ditto for your lower and upper legs.

12. Pigeon-toed? Five points.

13. Have you ever felt like bashing a postal clerk with a club? You're normal--no points.

14. Is the space between your big toe and your other toes big enough to hold an apple? Add five points.

15. Do you regularly eat apples in this way? Add fifteen points.

16. Do people think you're wearing your hair in a bun when you're not? Give yourself ten points.

17. Can you count your vertebrae while wearing two sweaters and an overcoat? Take five more points.

18. Is your nickname "Duke", "Butch", or "Animal"? Three points.

Scroll down for your score....


Scoring:

0-20 points:
You are a virtually pure Homo sapiens. Feel free to build bridges, compose symphonies, and overrun the world.

20-40 points:
A slight Neanderthal strain means that you will occasionally have spells of primitive behavior, crawling around on all fours and whooping wildly. If you live in California, no one will notice.

40-60 points:
You can still function quite well in the modern world, but avoid eating in fancy restaurants lest your table manners give you away.

60-80 points:
Your Pleistocene heritage is predominant. You should consider a career in pro football.

80-100 points:
Unfortunately, your genetic makeup is Grunt City; there is no place for you in human society. Try running for public office instead.


*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------*
In the office where I work, there is a constant battle between our technical-support director and customer-service personnel over the room temperature, which is usually too low.

The frustrated director, trying to get us to understand his position, announced one afternoon, "We need to keep the temperature below seventy-five degrees or the computers will overheat."

Thinking that this was just another excuse, one of my shivering colleagues retorted, "Yeah right. So how did they keep the computers from overheating before there was air conditioning?"