Thursday, March 14, 2013

Good morning crew,

Based upon all of the dirty jokes I received it looks like a lot of readers forgot that this is CLEAN Laffs.

Of the clean jokes I did receive I reprinted about half of them for you below.

I hope you enjoy them! If you did not send any material in and you think you can do better than today's jokes, please send me your contributions.

But when you're not researching jokes I hope you have a safe and enjoyable weekend. In case you haven't checked the calendar this Sunday is St. Patrick's Day. So keep your eyes open for leprechauns and partiers who might have had a wee bit too much of the creature.

Laugh it up,

Joe

joe@gophercentral.com

P.S. EVTV1.com is back and better than ever! This video portal was created to weed through the online clutter to bring you the best animal video clips...funniest videos...most popular...PLUS the most unusual. New videos are added daily!

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"A New York City judge struck down a proposed law to ban sodas larger than 16 ounces. How would the government try to enforce something like that? It's not like Obama's got a secret fleet of robotic aircraft circling over, watching everything people do with little cameras." -Craig Ferguson

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"When the cardinals are done selecting a new Pope, smoke appears up the chimney. White smoke means a new Pope. Black smoke means they have not reached a decision. Blue smoke means the cardinals are making ribs." -David Letterman

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"A new study found that humans started wearing clothes about 170,000 years ago. In fact, the first sentence ever spoken was, 'Me look fat in this?'" -Jimmy Fallon

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[This one was sent by Jeff in Tucson...]

When I was around 4 years old, I was biting my nails pretty badly and my mother showed me a picture of a child with a very swollen belly due to malnutrition. "That will happen to you if you keep biting your nails," she told me.

Later that week we were in the supermarket standing in line at the checkout counter behind a lady who was obviously 9 months pregnant. I pointed to her and, in a very loud voice, said, "We know what she has been doing don't we mummy?"

Have you ever seen your mother try to crawl under a cash register and hide?


[Here is one from reader Mandy Romig...]

My son is 12 years old and obsessed with Lord of the Rings. A couple of months ago I went to the grocery store. When I returned I asked him to put away the perishables. He dropped into "Gollum-stance," quirked his head at me and hissed, "The freshes?"


[This joke is from long-time reader Pat Cash who wrote, "I hope you aren't going to get a bunch of jokes that you have printed over the years, mine included!"]

Ever walk into a room with some purpose in mind, only to completely forget what that purpose was? Turns out, doors themselves are to blame for these strange memory lapses.

Psychologists at the University of Notre Dame have discovered that passing through a doorway triggers what's known as an "event boundary" in the mind, separating one set of thoughts and memories from the next. Your brain files away the thoughts you had in the previous room and prepares a blank slate for the new locale.

Thank goodness for studies like this. It's not our age, it's that stupid door!


[One more, from reader Blaine Owens...]

Two old men were sitting together talking about the good old days. Finally one old man sighed and said "What I miss the most is playing golf. I know I can hit the ball just as good as I ever could but my eyesight has gotten so bad now that I can't see where the ball goes!"

The second old man says, "That's the one thing that I didn't lose as I got older! I can still see like an eagle! Tell you what, let's go to the golf course some day and I'll watch the ball for you and tell you where it goes."

So they get together one day and go to the golf course. On the first tee the first old man hits a great tee shot straight down the middle of the fairway. Excited he asked the second old man if he saw the shot.

"I sure did, that was a good shot!" said the second old man.

The first old man said, "Great! Where did it go?"

The second old man said, "I forgot."


*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------*
[The following groaners are from a reader named Buck...]

Q. Why did the hot dog and hamburger always win at the casino?
A. Because they were both on a roll.


Q. Why is a cat walking across a desert like Chrismas?
A. Because it has sandy claws.


Q. Why did the boy put jelly all over the door?
A. Because it was ajar.