Monday, January 18, 2016

Good morning crew,

The problem with having my wife subscribed to Clean Laffs is that it is impossible to keep things secret from her. At least it is impossible to keep the things secret that I would also like to share with the 25,000 or so other Clean Laffs subscribers.

This weekend, for example.

I mentioned in Friday's issue of CL that I finally had some cash to take the wife out with, but wasn't going to be able to because she was spending the weekend away from home house-sitting. I figured that would result in me spending two days sitting on the sofa in my bath robe, eating pizza and watching cable TV.

Then I got a call from her Saturday afternoon. "I'll be home in about an hour," she said. "Where are you taking me tonight?"

"What do you mean tonight?" I asked. "I thought you were going to be away all weekend?"

"That was until I found out you got money," she answered.

Laugh it up,

Joe

joe@gophercentral.com

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"The $1.568 billion Powerball jackpot will be split three ways. You break it down, each of the three winners will receive $529 million - and 250 new relatives." -Jimmy Kimmel

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"Oscar nominations were announced today and Sylvester Stallone is up for best supporting actor. Stallone said today that it was an honor to be nominated. Or he said it's an 'awkward denominator.'" -Seth Meyers

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"A new report found that 20 percent of people over 45 had to dip into their retirement savings last year. And the other 80 percent said, 'retirement savings?'" -Jimmy Fallon

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Neighbors of ours had a terrible disagreement over a patio they wanted for their backyard. The wife had rather grand ideas, while the husband wanted costs kept to a minimum. The wife won out, and the construction bill climbed higher and higher.

I dropped by one day, when the patio was near completion, and was surprised to find the husband smiling from ear to ear as the workmen smoothed over the surface. I remarked how nice it was to see a grin replace the frown he had been wearing lately.

"You see where they're smoothing that cement?" he replied. "I just threw my wife's credit cards in there."


*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------*
Did you hear about the two guys who decided to try duck hunting? They bought new outfits & equipment, and went out to a place in the woods where they heard the hunting was really good. But after several hours of thrashing through the woods, one fellow said, "I don't know about this. We've been out here all day and haven't caught a single duck. Do you think we're doing something wrong?"

"I don't know," replied the other. "Maybe we're not throwing the dog high enough."