Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Good morning crew,

The only other really stupid thing we did on Maui was to drive the Hana Highway.

This was recommended to us as a "must do" by several people. Several people who apparently want us dead.

Hana is a little town on the remote side of the island. It is remote because it is surrounded by mountains and cliffs. The only way to get in or out, other than helicopter, is by a road conceived by insane people, I am sure.

It begins with a casual ascent through gorgeous, pastoral countryside with magnificent views of the ocean and the little, toy-like looking resorts dotting the coast.

At that point the road is broad and well-paved, but as we got higher it got windier and that pastoral countryside gave way to a barren Mars-scape of black rock and red sand.

Eventually the pavement gave way to a dirt path, which I am sure the rental car company would not have appreciated if they knew. Of course, this was still the easy part.

As we got around to the leeward side of the island the road became much more perilous, literally hugging cliffs which plummetted 100 feet or more onto jagged, surf-drenched rocks below.

The cliffs would have been bad enough by themselves, but the road twisted back and forth, following the contours of the mountain in a wild and precarious serpentine. Very often we could not see oncoming traffic until we were literally bumper to bumper with a car coming around the curve in the opposite direction. And with about six inches of clearance it was a heart-pounding experience every couple of minutes.

There were some advantages on that side of the island. The road became paved again, and the landscape had turned from rocks and sand to lush, verdant rain forest. The road was quite literally shrouded in gargantuan trees dangling vines and creepers all over the road. Plus, every mile or two brought us upon some magnificent waterfall dumping tons of water over breath-taking drops.

We had to stop a half dozen times just to get out and stare. But eventually the day began to get away with us. After stopping for a short hike though Kipahuhu Forest Reserve, and then again for a brief swim at the black sand beach, and again for every waterfall over 20 feet high, it was starting to get on to late afternoon.

So I put the hammer down and started making time. This was the worst part for the poor wife. She drove the morning shift but I was driving the afternoon shift, and without having to concentrate on the road the constant weaving back and forth was starting to give her motion sickness. And we still had about two hours of driving left to go.

By the time we got out of the mountains the poor woman was perspiring lightly and pale as a ghost. But I had a solution for that in the form of an excellent restaurant called Mama's Fish House and several Mai Tai's.

Now Mama's is a five-star restaurant staffed by the kind of waiters who run around in vests and bowties and call everybody 'sir' and 'madam' while we looked like we had just spent twelve hours in a jeep and smelled vaguely of mud and seawater.

But when I helped my poor, pasty-faced sweetie, weak-kneed and trembling up to the hostess station and explained the hardship she had just endured and how she needed several, large glasses of alcohol to pound her back into shape, the hostess had pity on us and put us at a table right next to the bar, muddy knees, wet T-shirts and all.

And that is why, despite the scandalous prices they were charging, I left a very generous tip. Because you can't put a price on kindness. But you can on Mai Tai's, and at Mama's that price is twelve bucks!

Laugh it up,

Joe

joe@gophercentral.com

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***
"A thief broke into a house in Alaska and found $100,000 but only took $20,000. Police are searching for a man with simple dreams." -Conan O'Brien

***
"A new study ranked the people in Minneapolis as the smartest people in the U.S. New York didn't even rank in the top 10. That is so 'non-good.'" -Jimmy Fallon

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"One town in Alaska is called Deadhorse. Another one is called and I'm not making this up Manley Hot Springs. Which is also the name of a club here in West Hollywood." -Craig Ferguson

***
A co-worker returned after lunch carrying a dress from the cleaners. "Pretty," said one of the guys. "Big date tonight?"

"I picked it up for a friend," she replied, adding, "Do you really think I could fit in a tiny thing like this?"

Jerry smiled and said, "Do you really think Ive lived this long by answering questions like that?"


*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------*
Our son lived at home all four of his undergraduate years. He moved out only when he went to grad school and got an apartment. The first time my husband and I went to see his new place, Matt greeted us, saying, "I'm glad to finally be the host."

As we walked in the door, my husband whispered to me, "Instead of the parasite."