Thursday, May 31, 2012

Good morning crew,

Kids are amazingly, emotionally resilient. My job at the martial arts school has devolved into basically screaming at them for thirty minutes a day. It's the only way I can get them to listen to me.

Kicking them works too, but that tends to make them cry. So mostly I scream. It's stressful for me, so I cam imagine that it's a lot for four, five and six-year olds to handle. I'm amazed most of them even to show up for class anymore.

But then last weekend I was spotted by one of the five-year-olds in a restaurant. He ran up to me, yelling, "Instructor Joe! Instructor Joe!" delighted that he actually knew people out in the world.

I got up, he very politely shook my hand, and we spent a few minutes discussing the quality and variety of the board of fare while his parents and neighboring diners looked on, slightly annoyed.

After he left and I sat back down the girlfriend expressed that I seem to be fairly popular with the students.

"News to me," I responded. "If I had to guess from the way they treat me in class I'd say every single one of those kids hates me."

But I look on it philosophically. Like Gunnery Sergeant Hartman from the movie "Full Metal Jacket" said, "The more you hate me, the more you will learn."

Laugh it up,

Joe

joe@gophercentral.com

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"New research shows that eating organic foods can make people more arrogant and judgmental. In fact, eating just one handful of organic bean sprouts has the same effect as driving 1,000 miles in a Prius." -Jay Leno

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"A new study shows current members of Congress speak at a 10th grade level. When reached for comment, Congressman Eric Cantor said, 'Nuh-uh!'" -Conan O'Brien

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"It's not such a great day for fans of the game show "Jeopardy." Alex Trebek says he may retire at the end of the season. Trebek says he wants to spend more time at home, arrogantly correcting his family." -Craig Ferguson

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A co-worker returned after lunch carrying a dress from the cleaners. "Pretty," said one of the guys. "Big date tonight?"

"I picked it up for a friend," she replied, adding, "Do you really think I could fit in a tiny thing like this?"

Jerry smiled and said, "Do you really think I've lived this long by answering questions like that?"


*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------*
English professors love to catch the errors students make in their term papers, and they love nothing better than to catch mixed metaphors. The "friends and survivors" of Calvin College English department collected this list of mixed metaphors and posted them on their web site:

"He swept the rug under the carpet."
"She's burning the midnight oil at both ends."
"It was so cold last night I had to throw another blanket on the fire."
"It's time to step up to the plate and cut the mustard."
"She's robbing Peter to pay the piper."
"He's up a tree without a paddle."
"Beware my friend...you are skating on hot water."
"Keep your ear to the grindstone."
"Sometimes you've gotta stick your neck out on a limb."
"Some people sail through life on a bed of roses like a knife slicing through butter."