Powered By

Wednesday, June 29, 2016

Good morning crew,

It looks like it is the end of an era. My cousin Kaz and his wife Debbie have been hosting an Independence Day party on their lake-backed estate for the last 32 years, as Kaz's parents did for the 15 years before that (so it is the end of two eras, really), but they are planning their much-earned retirement in Florida so this year will be the last celebration.

I have been attending that party for as long as I can remember, and I don't mind saying the family has had some high times. I learned how to sail on that little lake. I almost drowned in it once or twice, too.

Since this is something of a momentous occasion, some long-absent family members will be coming together for the first time in years. Even my dear mother is making the journey. And with accommodations short, the locals have been tapped for room and board, myself included.

So last night I told the wife, "I talked to my brother Michael earlier tonight (the wife met him a couple years ago in Vegas). He is coming in from Nevada for the Fourth of July party and asked if he could stay at our house."

"Our first house guest!" she exclaimed. "How exciting. We can set him up on the futon in the basement. I'll have to wash the spare bed sheets. And I guess I'll have to do some shopping, huh? We should probably have some food in the house."

"He's bringing his wife too," I added.

"Oh, that's fine," she said. "There's room on the futon for two. Maybe we can do some couples stuff while they're in town. We can take them out to dinner."

"And his kids," I continued.

The kids too?" She was starting to lose some of her enthusiasm. "Well, I guess somebody can sleep on the couch. How many kids does he have? Two?"


"Four? Where are we going to put six people?"

"They're just going to have to sleep on the floor," I said.

The wife sat in silent concentration for a minute, but there is an indefatigable optimism in her and eventually she said, "Okay, I know where I can get some inflatable mattresses. I can borrow some spare sheets from my parents and I guess they can use the throw pillows from the sofa to sleep on. That should do it. Now, I've never cooked for 8 people before. How long will they be staying? The whole weekend?"

"Seven days," I said.

Laugh it up,


P.S. Did you miss an issue? You can read every issue from the Gophercentral library of newsletters on our exhaustive archives page. Thousands of issues, all of your favorite publications in chronological order. You can read AND comment. Just click GopherArchives

"The UK officially voted to leave the European Union. It caused the British pound to hit a 31-year low. You could tell Brits were struggling. Today Queen Elizabeth was wearing one of those cardboard crowns from Burger King." -Jimmy Fallon


"In Jerusalem, renovation work is beginning on Jesus's burial tomb. It's being listed as 'occupied by previous owner for only three days!'" -Conan O'Brien


"A man in Minneapolis, Minnesota, is suing the TSA claiming that overly long airport security lines caused him to miss a flight. Seems like a strange move until you realize there's no jury in the world that will side with the TSA." -James Corden


A professor stood before his class of twenty senior organic biology students, about to hand out the final exam.

"I want to say that it's been a pleasure teaching you this semester. I know you've all worked extremely hard and many of you are off to medical school after summer. So that no one gets their GPA messed up because they might have been celebrating a bit too much this week, anyone who would like to opt out of the final exam today will receive a 'B' for the test."

There was much rejoicing in the class as students got up, walked to the front of the class, and took the professor up on his offer. As the last taker left the room, the professor looked out over the handful of remaining students and asked, "Anyone else? This is your last chance."

One final student rose up and opted out of the final.

The professor closed the door and took attendance of those students remaining. "I'm glad to see you believe in yourselves," he said. "You all get 'A's."

*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------*

The new Supermarket near our house has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness the scent of fresh hay.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.

I don't buy toilet paper there any more.

Top Viewed Issues