Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Good morning crew,

The martial arts school where I assist has been doing pretty well lately. A lot of new students. And the biggest percentage of the student population, as with most martial arts schools, is the kids. That is who I teach.

Last week I got a group of five white belts, that is all brand new, wet-behind-the-ears beginners, all five-years-old and younger.

If you have any experience with little kids you know that they do not listen. Do not. In the past, while dealing with one or even two little kids, I have been able to keep them focused with constant interaction. But with five there is just no way to do that.

I spent five minutes trying to get them to stand in a line. Trying, mind you, since it was an impossible task. The "Little Tigers" class is only 30 minutes long so I had to abandon the idea of a line and move straight to trying to teach them a basic white belt technique known as a Hammer-fist.

Teaching, of course, requires some one-on-one interaction, which meant that as soon as I tried to focus on one child the other four went into scramble mode.

One has apparently adopted me as a surrogate parent and seems to want nothing more than to hug whatever part of me he can get his hands on. Another one has apparently adopted me as a punching bag and wants nothing more than to toughen his knuckles on any part of my body he can reach. The others just seem to want to be track stars.

So there I was, on my knees, with the four-year-old wrapped around my neck like a cape, the boxer gripped in one hand by his shirt front to keep his chubby little fists out of range of my face, two more chasing each other around me in a circle while I tried to demonstrate the proper fist articulation to a fifth who was paying no attention to me.

All while the parents stood ten feet away watching the whole spectacle. It was the longest 20 minutes of my life.

That was last week. When I go back this afternoon I'll find out if any of the kids are still enrolled.

Laugh it up,

Joe

joe@gophercentral.com

P.S. Are you on Facebook? If you are, check out the Deal of the Day fan page. You get exclusive offers and a new deal every day. It is easy to become a fan, just click here and hit the like button... 'Like' Deal of the Day Here

***
"The good news is, the unemployment rate has dropped to 8.6 percent. The bad news is, most of those new jobs require a sack, a red suit, and a beard." -Jay Leno

***
"A man in Illinois was arrested for calling the cops five times because his iPhone wasn't working. Yup, someone was arrested for calling someone five times in one day. Do you hear that, Mom?" -Jimmy Fallon

***
"A new photo from one of Saturn's moons shows it may have all the elements necessary for life. Isn't that cool? Yeah, the three elements found there were nitrogen, methane and Red Bull." -Conan O'Brien

***
The elevator in our building malfunctioned one day, leaving several of us stranded. Seeing a sign that listed two emergency phone numbers, I dialed the first and explained our situation.

After what seemed to be a very long silence, the voice on the other end said, "I don't know what you expect me to do for you; I'm a psychologist."

"A psychologist?" I replied. "Your phone is listed here as an emergency number. Can't you help us?"

"Well," he finally responded in a measured tone. "How do you feel about being stuck in an elevator?"


*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------*
When my 15-year-old son, Pat, stepped up to the plate during a Colt League baseball game, the young announcer declared, "Now batting, the right fielder, number 12, Pathogen!"

After some confusion in the stands, the announcer came back on over the loudspeaker. "Sorry, that's PAT Hogan!"