fiogf49gjkf0d
Wednesday, February 4, 2015Good morning crew,
The fun of homeownership continues as I have lost power in my garage. Apparently there is a short or a bad circuit somewhere, because when I throw the switch in the circuit breaker panel to restore power, it only lasts long enough for me to open the garage door before the breaker pops again.
This has been a real inconvenience since getting in or out of the house without going through the garage means climbing over and through about 2 feet of snow and ice.
Plus, all I need right now is an electrical fire to burn the house down, so instead of running downstairs to throw the breaker and then sprinting out to the garage before it pops again every time I want to open the door, I called an electrician. I have to go home early this afternoon and find out how big of a check I have to write him.
I'm not looking forward to it, but it is probably safer than my other alternative, which is poking the breaker panel with a screw driver (although in my own defense I have fixed a malfunctioning furnace before with that exact same technique).
Laugh it up,
Joe
joe@gophercentral.comP.S. Did you miss an issue? You can read every issue from the Gophercentral library of newsletters on our exhaustive archives page. Thousands of issues, all of your favorite publications in chronological order. You can read AND comment. Just click
GopherArchives***"Yesterday Obama presented a $4 trillion budget that he says would help the middle class. Then the middle class said, 'You know what? How about you just give us the $4 trillion? We'll figure out what to do with it.'" -Jimmy Fallon
***"Harper Lee, the author of 'To Kill a Mockingbird,' is publishing her second novel after a 55-year hiatus. This one is called 'Mock 2: Mock Harder.'" -Conan O'Brien
***"Kim Kardashian said during a Q & A yesterday that she'd like to take a selfie with Jesus. Though I think most people would say that Jesus has suffered enough." -Seth Meyers
***As scientists and concerned citizens, we applaud the recent trend towards legislation which requires the prominent placing of warnings on products that present hazards to the general public. Yet we must also offer the cautionary thought that such warnings, however well-intentioned, merely scratch the surface of what is really necessary in this important area. This is especially true in light of the findings of 20th century physics.
We therefore propose that the following list of warnings appears on every product offered for sale in the United States.
WARNING: This Product Warps Space and Time in Its Vicinity.
CAUTION: The Mass of This Product Contains the Energy Equivalent of 85 Million Tons of TNT per Net Ounce of Weight.
HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE: This Product Contains Minute Electrically Charged Particles Moving at Velocities in Excess of Five Hundred Million Miles Per Hour.
CONSUMER NOTICE: Because of the "Uncertainty Principle," It Is Impossible for the Consumer to Find Out at the Same Time Both Precisely Where This Product Is and How Fast It Is Moving. (Note: This one is optional on the grounds that Heisenburg was never quite sure that his principle was correct)
ADVISORY: There is an Extremely Small but Nonzero Chance That, Through a Process Know as "Tunneling," This Product May Spontaneously Disappear from Its Present Location and Reappear at Any Random Place in the Universe, Including Your Neighbor's Domicile. The Manufacturer Will Not Be Responsible for Damages or Inconvenience That May Result.
ATTENTION: Despite Any Other Listing of Product Contents Found Hereon, the Consumer is Advised That, in Actuality, This Product Consists Of 99.999999999% Empty Space.
PLEASE NOTE: Some Quantum Physics Theories Suggest That When the Consumer Is Not Directly Observing This Product, It May Cease to Exist or Will Exist Only in a Vague and Undetermined State.
HEALTH WARNING: Care Should Be Taken When Lifting This Product, Since Its Mass, and Thus Its Weight, Is Dependent on Its Velocity Relative to the User.
*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------*Working as a court reporter, I hear to a lot of testimony that you won't hear on LAW AND ORDER, including the following give-and-take between the judge and a mother during a paternity suit.
Judge: "Was the child born out of wedlock?"
Mother: "No, sir, just outside of Louisville."