Wednesday, December 31, 2014

Good morning crew,

You know the old saying, "Never go grocery shopping hungry"? Because if you do you'll end up buying stuff like pickled pig's feet in a jar because anything looks good when you haven't eaten in 14 hours.

This rule is opposite for liquor stores. NEVER have a drink or two before you buy booze. Because all of a sudden the really expensive stuff starts to sound like a good idea.

Unfortunately, the guy who runs the liquor store down the street seems to be familiar with this phenomenon and has insidiously built a wine bar right inside his store.

So I was in there yesterday to pick up a few bottles of sparkling wine and some beer for the New Year's Eve party which is probably going to destroy my house, and the guy offers me a glass of wine while I shop. I was so struck with the novelty of the idea that I even had a second glass before I was finished shopping.

With two good glasses of wine under my belt I was in just generous enough of a mood to buy an entire case of good California Brut for the free-loaders who will be coming over tonight. Oh, I didn't have the money for that, of course, but according to the guy who runs the place that's why God invented credit cards, right?

Laugh it up,

Joe

joe@gophercentral.com

P.S. Did you miss an issue? You can read every issue from the Gophercentral library of newsletters on our exhaustive archives page. Thousands of issues, all of your favorite publications in chronological order. You can read AND comment. Just click GopherArchives

***
"As they say, she's nice from afar, but far from nice." --James DeBello as Rod in "100 Girls".

***
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not." --Stephen Wright

***
"They say you think morals are pictures on walls and scruples is money in Russia."

--Julia Ormond as Sabrina Fairchild in "Sabrina".

***
Bill and Bob, longtime golfing buddies, were involved in a match-play contest with the score "all-square" at the 18th tee.

Bill slices his tee shot way left, and the ball finally stops on the cart path. Meanwhile, Bob smashes his first shot straight down the middle.

"Oh well," says Bill, "I should get a free drop from there."

"Heck no," says Bob, "We play the ball as it lies."

And so Bill did.

After dropping his opponent on the middle of the fairway, Bill took the golf cart to his lie on the concrete path. Sparks fly from the cart path, as Bill makes a few aggressive practice swings.

Finally, Bill hits the ball off the cart path, leaving a miraculous shot only 3 feet from the pin.

As the two meet in the fairway, Bob comments, "That was a great shot...what club did you use?"

"Your 6 iron," says Bill.


*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------*
A fellow in a bar notices a woman, always alone, come in on a fairly regular basis. After the second week, he made his move.

"No thank you." she said politely. "This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love."

"That must be rather difficult." the man replied.

"Oh, I don't mind too much." she said. "But, it has my husband pretty upset."