Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Good morning crew,


Joe, Does your wife know you were out with your girlfriend last weekend? -Roy

Ah, the great "girlfriend" scandal of 2013. The truth of the matter is that I had the day off yesterday and since I had to put that issue together and schedule it ahead of time I dug an old column out of the archives without proof reading it very carefully.

That sounds plausible, doesn't it?


Joe, you're no longer married to "The Wife". BTW, does she have a name? It would sound a lot better than "the wife".

She is very shy about having her name publicized. However, I feel I can safely clue you in to some of her nicknames and pseudonyms. For example she has been called and would most likely answer to; Snuggle Face, Sweetie Puss, Bombshell, DM, SB, SM, Sophie, Aurora and Sweet Cheeks. Although who you are and the circumstances under which you call her any or several of those might earn you a kick in the head.


Hi Joe, Gunnery Sergeant Hartman was shot by a trainee in Full Metal Jacket.

Yeah, but the kids very rarely have access to firearms.

Laugh it up,

Joe

joe@gophercentral.com

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"Officials in Washington, D.C. have proposed a 24-hour waiting period before people can get tattoos. Or as people who want tattoos put it, 'You mean we gotta stay drunk for 24 hours?'" -Jimmy Fallon

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"A few years ago, they made the movie 'Freddy vs. Jason.' They do that all the time. They take two franchises that are totally out of gas and put them against each other. Godzilla was in tons of those movies, like 'Godzilla vs. King Kong.' The most uneven was 'Godzilla vs. Mothra.' How's that a fair fight? Godzilla is a giant fire-breathing lizard. Mothra is a big moth. What does Mothra do? Eat holes in all of Godzilla's sweaters?" -Craig Ferguson

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"The Miss America Pageant is coming back on Sunday night from Atlantic City. They're modernizing the pageant. They're changing the name of it to 'America's Got Implants.'" -Dave Letterman

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My 14-year-old daughter, Maggie, and her best friend, Joannie are fans of 60's music. They recently got front-row tickets to attend a Peter, Paul, and Mary concert in our town.

When they returned home from the concert that night, I wanted to hear all the details of the concert. My daughter says, "Mom, during the show, we looked back an saw hundreds of little lights swaying to the music. At first we thought people were holding up cigarette lighters. Then we realized that the lights were the reflections off all the eyeglasses in the audience!"


*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------*
Maybe this is why they don't teach music in high school any more. Following are actual answers from students on music tests...

- The principal singer of nineteenth century opera was called pre-Madonna.

- Gregorian chant has no music, just singers singing the same lines.

- Sherbet composed the Unfinished Symphony.

- All female parts were sung by castrati. We don't know ex- actly what they sounded like because there are no known descendants.

- Young scholars have expressed their rapture for the Bronze Lullaby, the Taco Bell Cannon, Beethoven's Erotica, Tchaikovsky Cracknutter Suite, and Gershwin's Rap City in Blue.

- Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel; if they sing without music it is called Acapulco.

- A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals.

- Contralto is a low sort of music that only ladies sing.

- Probably the most marvelous fugue was the one between the Hatfields and the McCoys.

- I know what a sextet is but I'd rather not say.

- Johann Sebastian Bach wrote a great many musical com- positions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic.

- Rock Monanoff was a famous post-romantic composer of piano concerti.