Monday, May 20, 2013

Good morning crew,

Talk about a busy weekend. Saturday morning I helped out with promotion testing at the school. That pretty much went like it always does. By the time I got home Saturday afternoon I barely had time to clean up and change before the wife and I had to leave to meet old Mason and his wife and my brother Nino and his wife at the Hofbrauhaus for dinner.

We wrapped that night up with a nightcap at the casino where the wife could not help but invest a hundred dollars or so in the slot machines. It's a good thing I paid for dinner. But it was Mason who won the booby prize when he spit a mouthful of beer all over the roulette table (and an unfortunate fellow player) when I made an off-color joke at the wrong (or right, depending on how you look at it) time.

Sunday the wife had some shopping planned for us, which I thought was a little ironic since she didn't have any money anymore, but she surprised me by producing a tidy little bundle of gift cards and coupons and shooed me out of the apartment and into the truck.

As it turned out she made some strategic purchases. Up until yesterday my balcony furniture consisted of two milk crates and an upside-down ceramic planter. Now we are in possession of a tasteful but comfortable three-piece collection that allows us to sit in a civilized posture and not have to hold our drinks between our legs.

I even managed to get a little gardening done. I was just going to repot my plants, but while at the nursery buying potting soil I saw they had a huge array of seedlings on display. So I broke down and bought a few tomato and pepper plants.

It was a lot more work than I was planning on doing on a Sunday night, but at least afterward I was able to relax on the balcony in comfort with my wife and speculate upon the delicious vegetables we will be eating in a couple of months!

Laugh it up,

Joe

joe@gophercentral.com

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"A town in Minnesota has appointed a 4-year-old boy to be its mayor. People got pretty annoyed when he said his first plan was 'waising taxes.'" -Jimmy Fallon

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"China announced it will no longer buy recycled trash from the U.S. I don't have a joke here. I'd just like to give a round of applause to whatever genius has been selling trash to China." -Conan O'Brien

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"Tonight is the much-anticipated release of the new Star Trek movie. It is expected to make $100 million this weekend. That's a lot, but imagine how much it would make if the people buying tickets were going with dates." -Jimmy Kimmel

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*Things That Never Happened On Star Trek*..

1. The Enterprise runs into a mysterious energy field of a type it has encountered several times before.

2. The Enterprise visits a remote outpost of scientists, who are all perfectly all right.

3. Some of the crew visit the holodeck, and it works properly.

4. The crew of the Enterprise discover a totally new life- form, which later turns out to be a rather well-known old life form wearing a funny hat.

5. The crew of the Enterprise are struck by a mysterious plague, for which the only cure can be found in the well- stocked Enterprise sick-bay.

6. The Captain has to make a difficult decision about a less advanced people which is made a great deal easier by the Starfleet Prime Directive.

7. The Enterprise successfully ferries an alien VIP from one place to another without serious incident.

8. An enigmatic being composed of pure energy attempts to interface to the Enterprise's computer, only to find out that it has forgotten to bring the right leads.

9. A power surge on the Bridge is rapidly and correctly diagnosed as a faulty capacitor by the highly-trained and competent engineering staff.

10. The Enterprise is captured by a vastly superior alien intelligence which does not put them on trial.

11. The Enterprise is captured by a vastly inferior alien intelligence which they easily pacify by offering it some chocolate.

12. The Enterprise visits an earth-type planet called "Paradise" where everyone is happy all of the time. How- ever, everything is soon revealed to be exactly what it seems.

13. A major Starfleet emergency breaks out near the Enterprise, but fortunately some other ships in the area are able to deal with it to everyone's satisfaction.

14. The Enterprise is involved in a bizarre time-warp ex- perience which is in some way unconnected with the Late 20th Century.

15. Kirk (or Riker) falls in love with a woman on a planet he visits, and isn't tragically separated from her at the end of the episode.

16. Counselor Troi states something other than the blindingly obvious.

17. The warp engines start going haywire, but seem to sort themselves out after a while without any intervention from boy genius Wesley Crusher.

18. Spock (or Data) is fired from his high-ranking position for not being able to understand the most basic nuances of one in three sentences that anyone says to him.


*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------*
My daughter Marina worked in my law office while she attended graduate school. One morning a call came in for her. I said she wasn't in yet and offered to take a message. The caller said she'd phone back later.

At 11:00 a.m., the caller tried again, and I reported that Marina had gone to lunch.

The last call came in at 3:30 p.m. "I'm sorry," I said, "she's left for the day. May I take a message?"

"Yes," the caller replied. "How can I get a job with you?"