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Clean Laffs - Stick to what's important.
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Friday, October 28, 2016
Good morning crew,
Last year I took an entire day off of work to clean and decorate the house before my Halloween party. This year I used up all of my vacation days on Europe, so I only have a few hours tonight to wash dishes and hide dirty laundry.
The people who come to this kind of party don't care about plastic skeletons and probably carcinogenic glow-in-the-dark cobwebs anyway. The only thing that will scare them is if the booze runs out.
Laugh it up,
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"There is a new bike lock that prevents theft by releasing a gas that makes a robber throw up if they cut the lock. So, the good news is: Your bike wasn't stolen. The bad news: It's covered in robber vomit." -Conan O'Brien
"Last night was game one of the World Series and Taco Bell did a promotion where if a player stole a base, everyone in America would get a free Doritos Locos Taco. And this is a great way for both players and fans to get a lot of runs." -James Corden
"Bill Clinton is trying to figure out what his official title would be if his wife becomes president. Bill has suggested first volunteer, first dude, and first laddie. If I had a vote I would go with the first lady's man." -Jimmy Kimmel
THE MODERN TOOLBOX:
Hammer - In ancient times a hammer was used to inflict pain on ones enemies. Modern hammers are used to inflict pain on oneself.
Screwdriver - The drink ordered at the local bar after you call in a professional repairman to undo the $500 in damage you did while trying to change out a light socket with your handy screwdriver.
Phillips Screwdriver - The bar drink that you order when the damage estimate is over $1,000. Contains twice the vodka.
Pliers - A device used to extend your reach the necessary few inches when you drop a one-of-a-kind screw down behind the new wall it took you two weeks to install.
Multi-Pliers - Contain a handy assortment of sharp and dangerous tools. Best left in its leather sheath and worn on a homeowners belt to increase testosterone levels.
Electronic Stud Finder - An annoying device that never goes off when you point it at yourself.
Halogen Light - A worklight that lights up your backyard with the incandescence of a football stadium, causing you to cast a heavy shadow over the area you're working on so that you need to use a flashlight anyway.
Cordless Drill - A device that lessens your chance of electrocution 90% over a standard plug-in tool.
Cordless Telephone - The handyman's 911.
Air Compressor - A mechanical device similar in principal to harnessing the power of your mother-in-laws nagging complaints and using the resulting airflow to blast old paint off the side of the house.
Chainsaw - Allows you to cut your way out of the shed that you accidentally built completely around yourself.
Vise Grips - A pair of helping hands that doesn't critique the job you're doing or offer advice.
*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------*
A businessman had a tiring day on the road. He checked into a hotel and, because he was concerned that the dining room might close soon, left his luggage at the front desk and went immediately to eat.
After a leisurely dinner, he reclaimed his luggage and realized that he had forgotten his room number. He went back to the desk and told the clerk on duty, "My name is Henry Davis, can you please tell me what room I am in?"
"Certainly," said the clerk. "You're in the lobby."
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