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Clean Laffs - Somebody's got some splainin' to do.
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Friday, June 24, 2016
Good morning crew,
I have a bad habit of stuffing receipts in my wallet and forgetting about them, which means every now and then I have to go through the wallet and throw out old receipts or I'm going to end up carrying around a suitcase. I was doing this just the other day when I discovered this receipt from one of our favorite local restaurants;
2 Bell's American Amber Ales
1/2 dozen oysters
2 orders of Tune Poke (which is a tuna tartar that they make with avocado, crispy wonton and Asian slaw)
1 pear martini
1 Grey Goose martini
Now here's the problem; the receipt is dated last year on my birthday. Why was I paying for dinner and drinks on my own birthday? Somebody's got some splainin' to do.
Laugh it up,
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"Yale University's being pushed to modify a poetry course because students have complained that the content is too white. Students objected specifically to a poem called 'Ode to a Lost Prius in the Whole Foods Parking Lot.'" -Conan O'Brien
"Authorities are warning people to avoid swimming in some New Jersey rivers because of increased numbers of so-called clinging jellyfish. Though if you're swimming in New Jersey rivers, you're probably not big on warnings." -Seth Meyers
"This was a little controversial: Pope Francis recently said that the majority of modern Catholic marriages are worthless because couples don't always mean it when they say they'll love each other forever. And that's the last time Pope Francis was ever asked to give a best man speech." -Jimmy Fallon
A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with your husband. The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?" All the women raised their hands.
Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?"
Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't remember.
The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their husband: "I love you, sweetheart."
The women were then told to exchange phones with another person, and to read aloud the text message they received, in response.
Here are some of the replies:
1. Who the hell is this?
2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what?
3. Yeah, and I love you too. What's up with you?
4. What now? Did you wreck the car again?
5. I don't understand what you mean?
6. What the hell did you do now?
7. You're kidding, right?
8. Don't beat about the bush; just tell me how much you need?
9. Am I dreaming?
10. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.
11. I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day. (my favorite)
12. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn't she?
*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------*
A guy from Brooklyn was in Hong Kong. While passing through a Jewish neighborhood he was surprised to see a synagogue. He went in and sure enough, he saw a Chinese rabbi and a Chinese congregation. The service was touching.
As the service ended, the rabbi stood at the door greeting his congregants. When our Brooklyn friend came up, the Chinese rabbi said...."You're a Jew?"
"Yes, I'm Jewish," replied the Brooklynite.
"Funny," said the Chinese rabbi. "You don't look it."
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