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Wednesday, September 21, 2016

Good morning crew,

[Since we're on vacation, I thought I would dig up a few vacation stories that I remember fondly. This is from our honeymoon in Hawaii, all the way back in 2012.]

One of the activities I have always been fascinated with is SCUBA diving. Unfortunately, living in a Chicago suburb, I don't have too much opportunity to pursue it.

Hawaii, on the other hand, has some of the best SCUBA diving sites in the world.

The wife is very interested in SCUBA as well, and this was one adventure she didn't have to talk me into doing. In fact, it was one of the first things we looked into, but despite our enthusiasm we found it difficult to get someone to take us.

Neither of us are certified, so we needed someone with a license and equipment to rent to take us out, but apparently the weather was so bad nobody wanted to take any tour groups out.

To us the weather seemed ideal. It was 85 degrees and sunny with a gentle breeze blowing almost constantly, but to SCUBA divers it is all about visibility. It seems while we were there Maui was experiencing a swell. This is a huge, well, swell of water which causes monster surf and really churns up the ocean floor. With all of that sand and sediment floating around down there you can't really see much, which would explain why most professional divers were reluctant to take tours out.

But we eventually found one who was willing to take the check we were waving around. We got the crash course in how not to drown while practicing in the hotel pool, and an hour later we were headed to the ocean.

Looking back I could see why so many guides were unwilling to take tours out. It was awfully sandy down there. Visibility was maybe 20-30 feet, which is a far cry from the crystal clear water you see in the brochures, but we were just happy to be risking our lives under water.

As with my previous diving excursions in Florida I was preoccupied with testing and retesting my equipment, equalizing my ears and screwing around with my buoyancy compensator. We were 40 feet below the waves, surrounded by living canyons of coral, and I was busy blowing into my nose.

Then I heard the dive leader pounding his fist into his palm (because much like in space, under water no one can hear you scream), and when I turned to look where he was pointing I came face-to-beak with a giant sea turtle. He was maybe 15 feet above me and diving like we were in a slow motion World War II dog fight.

He (or she) was about four feet long and three hundred pounds if he was an ounce. I nearly spit my regulator out of my mouth I was so startled.

Remembering my diving instructions, I mentally steeled myself for a gruesome and horrible death and prepared to jab my fingers into the monster's eyes when it tried to bite my face off.

That, of course, is for shark attacks. This guy sailed calmly past without even noticing me. He did give the wife a second look, pausing in his stately descent to give her a once-over. Maybe he was lonely and he could tell I was getting ready to poke him in the eyes, but whatever his interest in her, this gave the wife the biggest thrill, which she wouldn't stop talking about for the next several days.

Other than a few other sea turtles cruising around and a kaleidoscope of fish, we didn't have any other thrills, but it was enough. We got to dive Hawaii.

Foolishly risking my life always gives me a monster appetite, so after we cleaned up we went out for an early dinner. For some reason we were both in the mood for sushi. They didn't have any turtle soup, though.

Laugh it up,

Joe

joe@gophercentral.com

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"A high school student has developed an app that helps teens locate a welcoming group of kids in the lunchroom called 'Sit With Us' - or as bullies call it, 'Victim Finder.'" -Seth Meyers

***

"Wal-Mart is working on a self-driving shopping cart that would return itself to the store after you're done using it. Though the minute that Wal-Mart shopping cart becomes self-aware, it's going to drive itself to Target and never look back." -Jimmy Fallon

***

"In Florida, a drunk half-naked woman crashed her car into a Waffle House. Just a reminder, once again Florida will likely determine who our next president is." -Conan O'Brien

***

ACTUAL EXCERPTS FROM STUDENT SCIENCE EXAMS:

Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the organ of the species.

Benjamin Franklin produced electricity by rubbing cats backwards.

The theory of evolution was greatly objected to because it made man think.

Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillers.

The process of turning steam back into water again is called conversation.

The Earth makes one resolution every 24 hours.

To collect fumes of sulfur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.

Algebraical symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about.

The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.

Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.

A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.

A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene triangle.

When you haven't got enough iodine in your blood you get a glacier.

For fractures: to see if the limb is broken, wiggle it gently back and forth.

To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.

For asphyxiation: apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.

When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.




*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------*

While waiting in line at a busy airport check-in counter, I noticed a set of rambunctious little boys in front of me. As the line inched along, their mother tried in vain to get them to calm down.

Finally she reached the counter, where the ticket agent asked her, "Have any of the items you plan to take with you on this flight been out of your immediate control since your arrival at the airport?"

The young mother replied honestly, "The luggage, no; the children, yes."

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