Monday, July 9, 2012

Good morning crew,

One of the activities I have always been fascinated with is SCUBA diving. Unfortunately, living in a Chicago suburb, I don't have too much opportunity to pursue it.

Hawaii, on the other hand, has some of the best SCUBA diving sites in the world.

The wife is very interested in SCUBA as well, and this was one adventure she didn't have to talk me into doing. In fact, it was one of the first things we looked into, but despite our enthusiasm we found it difficult to get someone to take us.

Neither of us are certified, so we needed someone with a license and equipment to rent to take us out, but apparently the weather was so bad nobody wanted to take any tour groups out.

To us the weather seemed ideal. It was 85 degrees and sunny with a gentle breeze blowing almost constantly, but to SCUBA divers it is all about visibility. It seems while we were there Maui was experiencing a swell. This is a huge, well, swell of water which causes monster surf and really churns up the ocean floor. With all of that sand and sediment floating around down there you can't really see much, which would explain why most professional divers were reluctant to take tours out.

But we eventually found one who was willing to take the check we were waving around. We got the crash course in how not to drown while practicing in the hotel pool, and an hour later we were headed to the ocean.

Looking back I could see why so many guides were unwilling to take tours out. It was awfully sandy down there. Visibility was maybe 20-30 feet, which is a far cry from the crystal clear water you see in the brochures, but we were just happy to be risking our lives under water.

As with my previous diving excursions in Florida I was preoccupied with testing and retesting my equipment, equalizing my ears and screwing around with my buoyancy compensator. We were 40 feet below the waves, surrounded by living canyons of coral, and I was busy blowing into my nose.

Then I heard the dive leader pounding his fist into his palm (because much like in space, under water no one can hear you scream), and when I turned to look where he was pointing I came face-to-beak with a giant sea turtle. He was maybe 15 feet above me and diving like we were in a World War II dog fight.

He (or she) was about four feet long and three hundred pounds if he was an ounce. I nearly spit my regulator out of my mouth I was so startled.

Remembering my diving instructions, I mentally steeled myself for a gruesome and horrible death and prepared to jab my fingers into the monster's eyes when it tried to bite my face off.

That, of course, is for shark attacks. This guy sailed calmly past without even noticing me. He did give the wife a second look, pausing in his stately descent to give her a once-over. Maybe he was lonely and he could tell I was getting ready to poke him in the eyes, but whatever his interest in her, this gave the wife the biggest thrill, which she wouldn't stop talking about for the next several days.

Other than a few other sea turtles cruising around and a kaleidoscope of fish, we didn't have any other thrills, but it was enough. We got to dive Hawaii.

Foolishly risking my life always gives me a monster appetite, so after we cleaned up we went out for an early dinner. For some reason we were both in the mood for sushi. They didn't have any turtle soup, though.

Laugh it up,

Joe

joe@gophercentral.com

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"Police in Georgia are looking for people who stole 400,000 toothpicks from a warehouse. Fortunately, one of the suspects has a clear alibi ? a tiny piece of spinach in his teeth." -Jimmy Fallon

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"China is now expected to surpass Japan as the 2nd richest country in the world. They could become the richest, but that's only if we pay them the money we owe them, and that's not going to happen." -Jay Leno

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"In a survey of 35 cities, Los Angeles ranked second-to-last in intelligence. Residents of L.A. were outraged after the report was slowly explained to them." -Conan O'Brien

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I'm the postmaster for a small town in Pennsylvania. One of my regular customers, Jeff, bought several sheets of newly released commemorative stamps.

Soon after he left, a woman came in carrying two crisp sheets of Harry Houdini stamps she'd found in the parking lot.

The next morning, I gave Jeff the sheets of stamps he'd lost. "You know," Jeff said to me, "I'm not at all that surprised the Houdini stamps reappeared."


*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------*
Helping me sort old clothes into "save" and "give away" piles, my six-year-old daughter came across a garter belt. "What's this?" she asked.

"It's a garter belt," I said. Seeing that meant nothing to her, I added, "It's for holding up stockings."

"Ah," she said, carefully placing it in the "save" pile, "we'll use it next Christmas Eve."