Thursday, November 8, 2012

Good morning crew,

We are all of us embarrassed on a daily basis, but there are only a few times in our lives when we are truly humiliated. Like that time you spent ten minutes hitting on that gorgeous woman at a party while your fly was open, or when you admitted in public that you like Star Wars: Episode I.

I had one of those experiences last night during sparring class. Normally I only referee the little kids, but we had a small class last night, and there was an odd number, so I put on the pads and sparred with one of the 12-year-olds.

Right off the bat the little punk roundhouse kicked me in the face. Beautiful shot too, right on the chin. He's six inches shorter than me. I never thought he could get his foot that high. And practically the whole class saw it, too.

He even had the gall to look smug and self-satisfied about it.

I had no choice, really. I had to beat him up. But you can all relax. He only cried for a couple of minutes. That's good for kids anyway. Keeps 'em emotionally balanced.

Laugh it up,

Joe

joe@gophercentral.com

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"The federal government has a new plan that will let people send texts to 911. Yeah, it's a little frustrating when you try to text, 'Burglar! Please hurry!,' and it auto-corrects to, 'Burger, please. Hungry.'" -Jimmy Fallon

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"These days, teachers have it rough. Kids can be hyperactive, disobedient, and obnoxious. It must feel like being locked in a room of drunk midgets." -Craig Ferguson

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"Researchers at Harvard say red wine can slow the aging process. They say if you drink red wine, it can help you look younger. And you can look even younger if you get the other person to drink it." -Jay Leno

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Think About It!

* Money doesn't bring you happiness, but it enables you to look for it in more places.

* Your conscience may not keep you from doing wrong, but it sure keeps you from enjoying it.

* Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

* Misers aren't much fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.

* Be careful what rut you choose. You may be in it the rest of your life.

* The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.

* When you see the handwriting on the wall, you can bet you're in a public restroom.

* Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

* The real reason you can't take it with you is that it goes before you do.

* Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it.

* Hospitality is making your guests feel at home, even if you wish they were.

* A closed mouth gathers no feet.

* A man (or woman) who can smile when things go wrong has found someone to blame it on.

* A modern pioneer is a woman who can get through a rainy Saturday with a television on the blink.

* The world is full of willing people: some willing to work and some willing to let them.

* Money isn't everything....there's credit cards, money orders, and travelers checks.


*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------*
My father was extremely nervous about his first funeral service as a Navy chaplain, but the undertaker assured him that he would prompt him. All went well until, at the close, the undertaker whispered to him to instruct the family to come up and view the body. "Will the family now come forward and pass around the bier," said my father.

He cringed inwardly when he heard his own words. Later, as my father was leaving, he overheard two of the cemetery workers talking. "I didn't get any beer," one said. "Did you?"

"You heard the chaplain," the other replied. "It was just for the family."