Friday, August 12, 2016

Good morning crew,

I'll tell you one of the big problems with being married; it's almost impossible to catch a lousy movie!

If I wanted to see a movie when I was single, I just went to see a movie. I have been known to go see a ten o'clock show on a Tuesday night by myself.

Now, it's a project. We have to have meetings. Discuss schedules.

And it's not the wife. We used to go see movies all the time when we were dating. No, it's the institution of marriage that is somehow killing our ability to step foot outside the house for something as frivolous as sitting in a theater for two hours.

So far this year I have missed at least three movies I wanted to see in the theater because it is so difficult to find the time to go. But I have been looking forward to seeing this stupid 'Suicide Squad' movie for months, and one way or another I'm seeing it this weekend.

Even if I have to sneak out of the house.

Laugh it up,

Joe

joe@gophercentral.com

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"A Whole Foods store in New York will start offering customers cocktails while they shop. It's part of Whole Foods' new slogan, 'You'd have to be drunk to pay these prices.'" -Conan O'Brien

***
"A guy in New York is selling the world's largest video game collection, which includes 11,000 games. He doesn't really want to sell it, but he needs some way to pay for the divorce." -Jimmy Fallon

***
"A Colorado man unsuccessfully tried to break into a University of Colorado ATM by spraying it with acid and waiting for it to eat the protective covering away. He was caught when authorities examined the three hours of security footage of his face." -Seth Meyers

***
My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day. He has his food prepared for him.
He can eat whenever he wants.
His meals are provided at no cost to him.
He visits the Doctor once a year for his check-up, and again during the year if any medical needs arise.
For this he pays nothing, and nothing is required of him.
He lives in a nice neighbourhood in a house that is much larger than he needs, but he is not required to do any upkeep.
He makes no contribution to the running or maintenance of the house.
If he makes a mess, someone else cleans it up.
He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep. He receives these accommodations absolutely free.
He is living like a King, and has absolutely no expenses what- soever.
All of his costs are picked up by others who go out, work hard, and earn a living every day.
I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick in the head...

I think my dog might be in Congress!




*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------*
The crowd had cornered a woman and was preparing to stone her.

Jesus raised his hand and spoke, "Let he among you who is without sin cast the first stone."

From the back of the crowd a small woman picked up a huge rock and staggered toward to poor victim.

Jesus pointed a finger at her and said, "Stop it MOM! I'm trying to make a point here!"