Thursday, May 10, 2012

Good morning crew,

Okay, so I'm a sucker. You know how sometimes you will see a new car parked in the mall? Usually it is a giveaway. You fill out a form, they put you on a list and then you get junk mail every week for the next ten years.

But every now and then you get selected to be a winner. That is what happened to me last week when I got a letter in the mail announcing I had won.

Of course, just because I won still doesn't mean I am a winner.

I have to show up at some "resort" as they call it in order to collect one of the guaranteed prizes. I (and all of the other suckers) have to show up so they can try to sell me a time-share, or a membership at the resort, or a vacation or something. It's a good way to guarantee a captive audience.

Then, and only then, do I find out what I have won. The prizes are the $50,000 BMW, of course, a $1,500 gift-certificate at a department store (a pretty good prize), $500 in cash (still a pretty good prize) or a vacation.

The vacation is the booby prize because for the $200 plane tickets they give away I would still have to spend $2,000 on hotel, food, ground transportation and everything else. So it's not really a prize at all.

Well, it is only an hour's drive away, and lunch is provided, so I recruited to girlfriend to go with me this weekend. I have never been to one of these things before and I figure it will be educational, if nothing else.

If I win the Beemer I'll let you know next week.

Laugh it up,

Joe

joe@gophercentral.com

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"A team of British engineers have developed a car that runs on human waste. I'll bet that new car smell doesn't last very long." -Jay Leno

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"The federal government has a new plan that will let people send texts to 911. Yeah, it's a little frustrating when you try to text, 'Burglar! Please hurry!,' and it auto-corrects to, 'Burger, please. Hungry.'" -Jimmy Fallon

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"The original Avengers comic has a superhero called Ant-Man. They didn't put him in the movie, but Ant-Man would have been awesome. He could solve any problem, right any wrong, provided it took place at a picnic." -Craig Ferguson

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Our cat, Figaro, comes home between 10 or 11 at night to eat. If he's late, I turn on the carport light and call him until he appears.

One day my daughter was explaining to a friend where we live, and her friend said, "Is that anywhere near the house where the woman stands on her steps late at night and sings opera?"


*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------*
'Writing: For the Sell of It' was the theme of our community college's annual writers' conference. When I called a widely published author and asked him to be our keynote speaker, my request was met with a long silence. He finally said, "I don't know what I would say to that audience."

"You're just being modest," I replied. "I'm sure you're extremely qualified to speak on that subject."

He suddenly broke into laughter. "I thought you said, 'Writing for the Celibate!'"