Monday, December 23, 2013

Good morning crew,

We have a bit of a disagreement here in the office. I finally admitted my intention to get my wife a fruit basket for her Christmas present and all of the girls in the office were unanimous in their criticism of this plan.

I said, "That's not ALL I'm going to get her. I'll probably get her some pajamas or a pair of gloves of something, too."

"That's not the point," said Michele. "A fruit basket just isn't intimate."

"What are you talking about?!" I argued. "A fruit basket is very intimate. A fruit basket says, 'I care about your colon.' What could be more intimate than that?"

Laugh it up,

Joe

joe@gophercentral.com

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"Every year I do this during the holidays. This is the day I go into Central Park and chop down my Christmas tree." --Dave Letterman

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"Are you all getting your Christmas shopping done? I crossed three people off my gift list today. I didn't get them anything, I just crossed them off." --Jay Leno

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"There are only a few days left until Christmas. I tell you, it's really amazing how popular baby Jesus was able to become without his mother posting a single picture of him on Facebook." -Jimmy Kimmel

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Did you know that hanging lights on a Christmas tree is one of the three most stressful situations in an on-going relationship? (The other two danger zones are teaching your mate to drive and wallpapering. Don't EVEN think of going there!) So I now present for you....

Things NOT To Say When Hanging Christmas Lights

--"You've got two red lights right next to each other. You're supposed to go yellow, green, red, blue, not yellow, red, red, green, blue..."

--"Up a little higher. You can reach it. Go on, try."

--"What on earth do you do to these lights when you put them away every year? Tie them in knots?"

--"Come away from that aluminum ladder, kids. I'm going to fry that sucker."

--"If you're not going to do it right, don't do it at all. Don't just throw them on, like you do the icicles. You're worse than your father."

--"Give me that!!"

--"You've got the whole thing on the tree upside-down. The electric pluggee thing should be down here at the bottom, not up at the top."

--"I don't care if you have found another two strings, I'm done!"

--"You've just wound 'em around and around - I thought we agreed it shouldn't look like a spiral this year?"

--"Have you been drinking?!!?"

--"Okaaay! Looks like we're *finally* done here now. Not too shabby huh? Hey....wait a minute, where's the cat?"


*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------*
I bet it was really tough being an Apostle of Jesus. What if you wanted a day off?

You ring up Jesus and say, "Jesus, I'm sick today, running a little fever and feeling congested so I won't be able to make it to today's sermon. What...? Say that again...? I'm healed?"