Monday, February 1, 2016

Good morning crew,

I had my taxes done this weekend. It was a little disappointing,
to say the least.

After spending just obscene amounts of money all year on house
repairs, truck repairs and every other kind of repair you can
think of, I was sure I was going to have some fat deductions.

I brought my tax guy a folder full of receipts about a half inch
thick, but he just leafed through them one after the other shaking
his head.

"Sorry," he said, "You can't deduct any of this."

"But the roof, the water heater," I argued, "are you telling me
I can't deduct improvements to the property?"

"Only very specific improvements," he answered. "Did you install
any solar panels last year?"

"Of course not."

"How about a wind turbine?"

"Are you kidding me?"

"Then I'm sorry," he said, pushing the pile of receipts back
across the desk at me. "But you can't deduct any of this."

The wife and I will be getting a small refund, about what we
got last year, but it's not going to pay off all those repair
bills.

Well, I guess there is always the backup plan; take the refund
to the casino when it arrives.

Laugh it up,

Joe

joe@gophercentral.com

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"The American Academy of Pediatrics has suggested that people under the age of 18 should be banned from tanning salons. Parents that take their kids to tanning salons should be banned from parenting." -Jimmy Fallon

***
"Chase bank ATMs are getting a new feature that will allow customers to withdraw cash without using a card. The feature is called a 'crowbar.'" -Conan O'Brien

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"The advocacy group One Million Moms has called for a boycott of the new Fox show 'Lucifer' because they believe the series 'glorifies Satan,' and is complaining to the show's main sponsor, Olive Garden. Wait, Olive Garden sponsors Lucifer? I always assumed it was the other way around." -Seth Meyers

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After shopping for weeks, I finally found the car of my dreams. It was only two years old and in beautiful condition. The salesman asked if I would like to take it for a test drive. We had traveled no more than two miles when the car broke down. The salesman called for a tow truck.

When it arrived, we climbed into the front seat. While the driver was hooking up the car, the salesman turned to me with a smile and said, "Well, now, what is it going to take to put you behind the wheel of that beauty today?"


*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------*
To prepare for my daughter's First Communion, I called the church in the town where we used to live to get a copy of her baptismal certificate.

We lived there for only a short while, so I didn't know the clergy well. When the secretary asked me the name of the father, I told her that I couldn't remember.

After a brief silence, she said, "Ma'am, I'm talking about the name of the baby's father."