Wednesday, March 30, 2016

Good morning crew,

Last Saturday night, after the movie (and 2 or 3 drinks at the bar), the wife and I decided to entertain ourselves for the rest of the evening with a little fire in the backyard.

Sitting around the crackling flames, winding down from the bar with a couple of beers, the wife started to get a little hungry. I was too, because a movie pretzel and a couple of bar snacks is not much of a meal.

So the wife got the idea that she wanted to cook out using the fire pit. I was a little trepidatious, but I didn't want to discourage her nascent outdoor ambitions.

She disappeared into the house, and five minutes later reappeared with two hotdogs stuck on the ends of little, bamboo kabob skewers.

Now, I am not an overly sadistic person by nature, but I couldn't help but wait to see how far the wife would stick her unprotected hands into those dancing, orange flames before she set herself on fire.

The answer is: pretty far. I let her get as far as first degree burns (5 or 6 beers on a mostly empty stomach make a surprisingly good anesthetic) before I offered an alternative suggestion.

Fetching the 20-inch barbecue fork from the kitchen we soon had those hotdogs popping and sizzling.

The only problem was that firewood is not the same thing as charcoal briquettes, so the dogs had thin, gritty film of ash on them. But once again, after 5 or 6 beers we really didn't notice or care. When she tried wrapping raw bacon around the barbecue fork, that was a different story...

Laugh it up,

Joe

joe@gophercentral.com

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"A new study suggests that marriage is more beneficial for men than women. The results of the study were shouted at me through a locked bedroom door." -Seth Meyers

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"Scientists believe the first modern Europeans mated with Neanderthals. This is the oldest evidence yet of beer goggles." -Conan O'Brien

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"For the first time ever, scientists have created artificial life. The hope is that it can revolutionize healthcare, generate clean energy, become super-intelligent, take over the world, make us all its slaves, etc." -Jimmy Kimmel

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A priest had the weight of the world on his shoulders and was showing the effects. The church sent him to a psychiatrist, who ordered him to take a week off. So the priest left his religious paraphernalia behind him and went to a neighboring city. He got himself a nice room and went to the hotel bar to relax with a couple stiff drinks.

A waitress in a short skirt and low-cut uniform came over and asked, "What'll it be, Father?"

The priest felt to see if he was still wearing his collar by mistake, but he had none on.

"How did you know I'm a priest?" he asked.

The waitress said, "I'm Sister Mary Margaret. We go to the same psychiatrist!"


*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------*
This morning I was sitting on a bench next to a homeless man, I asked him how he ended up this way.

He said, "Up until Last week, I still had it all! All my meals were prepared for me, my room was cleaned, my clothes were washed, pressed, I had a roof over my head, I had TV, internet, I went to the gym, the pool, the library, I could still go to school."

I asked him, "What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce?"

"No, nothing like that," he said. "I got out of prison."