Wednesday, June 17, 2015

Good morning crew,

The wife survived phase one of her black belt test, barely. I stopped by her school Monday night and watched the last hour of it. She was still gamely trying to do sit-ups after about 70 minutes of calisthenics, but her motions amounted to little more than a rolling of the shoulders and a slight inclination of her back as she reached for her knees.

Still, she was doing better than some of the other candidates who were, at that point, effecting "sit-ups" by lying on their backs and touching their chins to their chests.

But that is all part of the fun. I didn't feel bad for her until they got to the kicking drills. That is when you have a partner who holds two kicking targets (pads) for you while you kick them...100 times.

An experienced and sympathetic partner will hold the pads about waist high so you don't have to kill your already tired and burning legs. The poor wife had either an inexperienced or unsympathetic partner, because his hands started rising until he was holding his pads about shoulder-height. And since he was taller than her, that meant the wife was practically kicking over her head in order to make contact with the targets.

She looked like a Rockette.

When the class was over she looked like she was ready to kill someone. I didn't want it to be me, so gave her an affectionate pat on the shoulder and said, "Good job, Honey. Let me buy you 5 or 6 beers."

She seemed fine later that night, but she must have been more burned out than I realized, because when I got home yesterday afternoon she still hadn't mowed the lawn.

Sure, she was a little sore, but the lawn isn't going to mow itself. The neighbors are going to think we're squatters!

Laugh it up,

Joe

joe@gophercentral.com

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***
A man was showing his friend a new set of matched golf clubs he had just bought.

"Doctor's orders," the man told his friend. "My wife and I have been gaining too much weight and we went to see the doctor about it. He said we needed more exercise, so I joined the country club and bought myself this set of golf clubs."

"What about your wife?" the friend asked. "What did you buy her?"

"A new lawn mower," the golfer said.

***
Not that my wife's the jealous type or anything, but one day at work, I had taken this temp who was filling in for my secretary to lunch in gratitude for an outstanding job on a very difficult project.

As luck would have it, there was my wife waiting in the office for my return. The temp, who was truly a ravishing beauty said, "Oh, Mrs. Moore, I'm so happy to meet you. I'm your husband's new secretary."

Within a single heart beat, my wife quietly intoned, "Oh, Really? WERE you?"


*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------*
In my job with a delivery company, I was getting phone directions to a customer's home. The woman very specifically said, "From the main road in the center of town go two lights. Look for the post office. Turn left onto the next street. Go 1.3 miles. Drive past one red hydrant and then take the next right. Go 50 yards. My driveway is the second on the right, and the number is on the mailbox."

As I entered the information into the computer, I asked, "What color is your house?"

The woman paused a second and said, "Hold on. I'll go check."