Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Good morning crew,

Ah, the bachelor life. One of my wife's old dog-sitting clients called her up and begged her to come stay at their house and watch their bulldog for the week. At first she said no, but they started throwing money at her and she just couldn't resist. They really love their bulldog.

So now I'm right back where I was during the salad days, sitting home alone, watching TV, eating tuna sandwiches and drinking beer. Actually, putting it that way makes it sound pretty depressing.

And truth be told, I'm not even drinking any beer this week. There is a martial arts tournament coming up this weekend and I shouldn't have any alcohol slowing me down.

I'll tell you more about that later.

Laugh it up,

Joe

joe@gophercentral.com

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"A seventh grade teacher in California was arrested for teaching while drunk. Which is why an entire Earth Science class now thinks hurricanes are formed when rum collides with lime juice, passion fruit, and crushed ice in a hot pink souvenir cup from Senor Frog's." -Jimmy Fallon

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"According to the new study, women talk almost three times as much as men. Well, you know why? Because they know men aren't listening the first two times." -Jay Leno

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"Japanese researchers have successfully grown hair on a bald mouse. The researchers are ecstatic, and the mouse is relieved he doesn't have to keep wearing that stupid toupee." -Conan O'Brien

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While in the checkout line at my local hardware store I overheard one man say to another, "My wife has been after me to paint our shed. But I let it go for so long she got mad and did it herself."

His friend nodded. "I like women who get mad like that."


*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------*
Most people assume WWJD is for "What would Jesus do?" But the initials really have been changed to stand for "What would Jesus drive?"

One theory is that Jesus would tool around in an old Plymouth because the Bible says, "God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden in a Fury."

But in Psalm 83, the Almighty clearly owns a Pontiac and a Geo. The passage urges the Jesus to "pursue your enemies with your Tempest and terrify them with your Storm."

Perhaps God favors Dodge pickup trucks, because Moses' followers are warned not to go up a mountain "until the Ram's horn sounds a long blast."

Some scholars insist that Jesus drove a Honda but didn't like to talk about it. As proof, they cite a verse in St. John's gospel where Christ tells the crowd, "For I did not speak of my own Accord..."

Meanwhile, Moses rode an old British motorcycle, as evidenced by a Bible passage declaring that "the roar of Moses' Triumph is heard in the hills."

Joshua drove a Triumph sports car with a hole in its muffler: "Joshua's Triumph was heard throughout the land." And, following Jesus' lead, the Apostles car pooled in a Honda... "The Apostles were in one Accord."