Wednesday, March 4, 2015

Good morning crew,

So my wife almost got me arrested this weekend. To be fair, she wasn't out to accomplish that goal, but it was kind of her fault nevertheless.

It started with her plan to have a girl's night with some of her friends on Saturday. She abandoned me at home late in the afternoon so they could all go see a movie, and then their plan was to coordinate at a local wine bar and restaurant at around 6:45 or 7:00 to do a wine tasting before their dinner reservation at 7:30.

At around 5:30 or so that evening I got tired of drinking beer by myself in my bathrobe and lit upon an idea. How cool would it be, I thought, if I got cleaned up a little bit and surprised the wife and her friends at the restaurant?

They would be standing around doing their wine-tasting and suddenly I would saunter up, drink-in-hand, smelling faintly of cologne and oozing charm, and dazzle the entire group with witty conversation until their reservation came up, at which point I would politely excuse myself and give them all the opportunity to tell my wife over dinner how fun and exciting it must be to live with me.

In my mind it played out so perfectly.

So I freshened up real quick, threw on a jacket and a tie, and by 6:30 I was in the bar area of the restaurant, wine glass in hand, leaning in an unobtrusive corner with a good view of the front door.

6:40 ticked by, then 6:45, then 6:50. By 7:00 I was starting to get some odd looks from the bartender and a few of the patrons who kept looking over their shoulder at the creepy guy standing by himself in a corner.

By 7:05 I was relieved to see one of the wife's friends show up, but apparently they didn't come in a group because she only stood in the middle of the bar waiting.

By 7:20 three more girls had arrived but still no wife. It was at this point that I noticed a large man with no neck staring at me. He was wearing a sports coat with a badge embroidered on the breast pocket and he made his way over to the bar where he had a whispered conversation with the bartender.

A minute later he left the bar and took a position about five or six feet behind me where he leaned against the wall and crossed his arms.

While standing by one's self in a corner of a bar, furtively staring at women is not exactly a crime, I think this guy was just waiting for me to, I don't know; try and pick a pocket or peek into the women's bathroom, or something that would justify him tackling me to the ground and yelling some line or catchphrase he had probably been rehearsing in his mind.

So instead of giving him a great story to tell his friends later, I abandoned my plan to surprise the wife and walked over to the girls who still standing in a little circle in the middle of the room. Sure enough, my shadow was a couple steps behind me, trying to make his 6-foot-6, 300-pound frame look inconspicuous in the crowd.

Once he realized I actually knew the women I was talking to he wandered off to restock the paper towels in the washroom, or whatever those guys do with their spare time, and I was left to explain my unlikely appearance in the middle of girl's night.

Of course, the wife showed up immediately after that. Since she was almost an hour late they had to rush off to the hostess station and claim their reservation, but not before she had a chance to ask me, "What are YOU doing here?"

"Causing a disturbance, apparently," I said, "but go enjoy your dinner. I'm getting out of here before I end up on the 11 o'clock news."

Laugh it up,

Joe

joe@gophercentral.com

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"Forbes released its annual list of billionaires. Once again the richest person on the planet, with $79.2 billion, is Bill Gates. To put that into perspective, that's enough money to never have to drink tap water at a restaurant ever again." -Jimmy Kimmel

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"Taco Bell is testing a new product called 'Cap'n Crunch Delights,' which are balls of sweet dough, covered in crushed Cap'n Crunch cereal, and filled with a 'milk icing' - you know, Mexican food." -Seth Meyers

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"During the CPAC conference, Rand Paul told the crowd it was time for a new president and that people need to help make the change. Of course, most people agreed with him, since that's how term limits work." -Jimmy Fallon

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The 5 toughest questions for men are:

1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult is that each one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly ( i.e. tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.

Question # 1: What are you thinking about?

The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you."

This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:

a. Baseball.
b. Football.
c. How fat you are.
d. How much prettier she is than you.
e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.

(Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!")

Question # 2: Do you love me?

The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear."

Inappropriate responses include:

a. Oh Yeah, shit loads.
b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c. That depends on what you mean by love.
d. Does it matter?
e. Who, me?

Question # 3: Do I look fat?

The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!"

Among the incorrect answers are:

a. Compared to what?
b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
d. I've seen fatter.
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me?

Once again, the proper response is always: "Of course not!"

Incorrect responses include:

a. Yes, but you have a better personality.
b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner.
c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age.
d. Define pretty..
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question# 5: What would you do if I died?

A definite no-win question.

(The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Corvette!")


*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------*
When my daughter was about 6, my sister was babysitting for the day. My sister had a soap opera on the TV and during a love scene, my daughter expressed how gross she thought it was that a man and a woman were kissing. My sister explained that when a man and a woman are in love, kissing is not gross. She then said, "your Mommy and Daddy kiss - they're in love."

My daughter's rebuttal to that was "No they're not - they're married!" --Christine

[Obviously a fan of Curly Howard who was fond of asking, "Are you married or happy?"]