Friday, October 16, 2015

Good morning crew,

My big plans for the weekend involve finishing the construction of my Halloween decorations. Have you ever heard the phrase, 'Your eyes are bigger than your stomach' meaning you thought you could eat more than you really could because you were hungry?

Well, when it comes to Halloween decorations my imagination is bigger than my ability to bring my ideas to life. But I started the project and now I have to finish, even if it ends up costing me twice what I planned and ends up looking like a homeless person is squatting in my yard.

But I'll tell you this much, if that wife of mine doesn't keep her promise to help me there are gonna be words.

There are gonna be words!

Laugh it up,

Joe

joe@gophercentral.com

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"A new analysis of recent political speeches found that George W. Bush actually used longer and more complex words in his speeches than President Obama does. Granted none of those words were actually in the dictionary. 'Don't be condescencious. My vocablulation is completely misunderestimated.'" -Jimmy Fallon

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They were keeping a spare podium open for Joe Biden at the Democratic presidential debate in case he decided to enter the race at the last minute, as if he's going to walk in and shock everyone like a Spanish soap opera or something." -Jimmy Kimmel

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"On this day in 1912, President Teddy Roosevelt was shot, declined to go to the hospital, and gave a 90-minute speech with a bullet in his chest. Then on this day, I spent the whole day on WebMD because my eyelid wouldn't stop twitching." -Seth Meyers

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A very elderly gentleman, well dressed, hair well groomed, great-looking suit, flower in his lapel, smelling slightly of after-shave, presenting a well-looked-after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge.

To his delight, seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady. The gentleman walks over, sits along side of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her, and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"


*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------*
A preacher of the old school was describing the events of Judgment Day and, of course, he used Biblical phraseology whenever he could.

"Oh, my friends," he intoned, "imagine the suffering of the sinners as they find themselves cast into the outer darkness, removed from the presence of the Lord and given to eternal flames. My friends, at such a time there will be weeping, wailing and a great gnashing of teeth!"

At this point, one of the elders of the congregation interrupted to say, "But Reverend, what if one of those hopeless sinners has no teeth?"

The preacher crashed his fist on the pulpit, "My friends, the Lord is not put out by details. Rest assured... teeth will be provided!"