Wednesday, January 20, 2016

Good morning crew,

The wife dropped another little bomb on me last night. "I'm not going to be around next weekend," she said. "I agreed to house-sit for the same people again. I'll be there Saturday through Wednesday."

"Sure, why not?" I threw back at her. "That's exactly why I got married, so I could spend every weekend sleeping by myself. You tell those people to kennel their stupid dog and install an alarm system in their house because you have a husband at home who needs a little attention too!"

"They're paying me $75 a day," she answered.

"Don't forget to bring your toothbrush," I told her. "Remember last time you forgot it and had to go out at ten p.m. to buy a new one. And ask for cash this time. The last time it took ten days for their check to clear."

Laugh it up,

Joe

joe@gophercentral.com

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"During a speech in Iowa this weekend, Bernie Sanders criticized the billionaire class and said they 'can't have it all.' Billionaires would have responded but they were busy this weekend literally having it all." -Jimmy Fallon

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"A resort in Mexico has opened the first underwater bar. Shortly afterwards it became host to the world's slowest bar fight ever." -Conan O'Brien

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"A company has come out with a line of medical marijuana dog treats. Finally a medicine that will help my dog lie on the couch all day." -Seth Meyers

***
Pauly walks into a bar and says "Bartender, one round for everyone, on me!" The bartender says, "Well, Pauly, seems you're in a really good mood tonight, eh?"

Pauly says, "Oh, you can bet on it! I just got hired by the city to go around and remove all the money from parking meters. I start on Monday!"

The bartender congratulates the man and proceeds to pour the round.

Monday evening arrives. Pauly comes back into the bar and says "Bartender, TWO rounds for everyone, on me!"

The bartender says, "Well now! If you're so happy just over having this new job, I can just imagine how happy you'll be when you get your paycheck!"

Pauly looks at the bartender with a confused look on his face, pulls out quite a handful of quarters from his pocket, and says "You mean they'll PAY me on top of it?"


*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------*
As Reynoldo lit the votive candle at the grotto for San Jose de los Platanos and prayed for the healthy delivery of his first child, he heard a disembodied voice say, "Your daughter will be 17 inches long," to which Reynoldo replied,

"Do you know the weight too, San Jose?"