Monday, September 27, 2010
Good morning crew,
Welcome to a whole new work week. Oh, the possibilities!
Who knows? This could be your week. You could meet the
person of your dreams, or win the lottery! Or maybe a rich
family member will die and leave you a big chunk of money!
Not that I'm wishing any ill-will on your family. I mean,
I hope everyone in your life is doing splendidly. Unless,
of course, it was some distant, mean, old miser that you
really didn't know and who nobody liked anyway. If that
person were, say, not doing so well it would be more con-
venient for you if he or she had a good bit put aside and
was going to leave some of it to you.
Not to say that you wouldn't feel any grief. Because that
would make YOU a mean, old miser and I know THAT isn't true!
But getting a nice little check in the mail is better than
nothing at all.
Of course, money isn't everything.
You know what? I think I'll just wrap this up here and get
on with the jokes before I write something really stupid.
Laugh it up,
Joe
mailto:joe@gophercentral.com
P.S. We have a *NEW* archive page! You can read newsletters
from Clean Laffs to Bizarre News and dozens of titles in
between. Years worth of issues! Just check out the link at
the bottom of the page!
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The Twister Car Performs Twists, Stunts, and Wheelies...
http://pd.gophercentral.com/u/1152/c/186/a/505
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"Cab drivers are now illegally overcharging you for made-up
charges. I was in a cab today and I was charged $11 for
shipping and handling." -David Letterman
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"Apparently the recession ended last June. So for those of
you that are still broke and without a job, it's all in
your head." -Jay Leno
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"'Sesame Street' announced that it's pulling a music video
featuring Elmo and Katy Perry because her outfit was too
revealing, even though those Muppets are running around
naked all the time." -Jimmy Kimmel
YOUR VIDEO SNACK BAR
Top Viewed Videos...
1. All the Single Babies
http://c.gophercentral.com/Icgl
2. Celebrities: Before and After Make-Up
http://c.gophercentral.com/lhPb
3. Amos N´ Andy - In the IRS Office
http://c.gophercentral.com/DVhQ
4. The D-Day Invasion
http://c.gophercentral.com/DDAx
5. The Spanish Civil War
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6. The Human Slinky
http://c.gophercentral.com/Wwa9
Future Novelists... These are actual analogies and metaphors
found in high school essays
Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two
other sides gently compressed by a thigh master.
His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking
alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
He spoke with wisdom that can only come from experience,
like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar
eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and
now goes around the country speaking about the dangers of
looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a
pinhole in it.
She grew on him like E. coli and he was room temperature
Canadian beef.
She had a deep throaty genuine laugh like that sound a dog
makes just before he throws up.
Her vocabulary was as bad, as, like, whatever.
He was a tall as a six foot three inch tree.
The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the
way a bowling ball wouldn't.
McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a hefty
bag filled with vegetable soup.
From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had
an eerie surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in
another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7 pm instead of 7:30.
Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
Long separated by cruel fate, the star crossed lovers raced
across a grassy field toward each other like two freight
trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at
55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35
mph.
They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket
fences that resemble Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds
who had also never met.
The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But
unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
"Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving like
a college freshman on $1-a-beer night.
He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck,
either, but a really duck that was actually lame. Maybe
from stepping on a landmine or something.
He was deeply in love when she spoke, he thought he heard
bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to
put in any pH cleanser.
She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing
legs.
Her voice had that tense grating quality, like a generation
thermal paper fax machine that needed a band tightening.
*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ---------------*
Grandpa was always going on about the good old days, and
the lower cost of living, in particular.
"When I was a kid, my mom could send me to the store, and
I'd get a salami, two pints of milk, 6 oranges, 2 loaves
o' bread, a magazine, and some new blue jeans... all for
a dollar!!"
Then Grandpa said sadly, "You can't DO that anymore.....
they got those darn video cameras everywhere you look."
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WHAT DID THE BUDDHIST SAY TO THE HOTDOG VENDOR?
Want to know the answer to this important question? Then you
need to get a copy of THE BEST OF CLEAN LAFFS! Order Joe's
laff diary for the new, reduced DEAL price of * $1.51 * plus
postage and handling.
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