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Friday, June 17, 2016

Good morning crew,

For those of you who don't own a calendar, this Sunday is Father's Day. So Happy Father's Day to all the dads out there.

The wife is planning to go over and annoy her father for a few hours on Sunday, but it is going to be such a beautiful weekend I suggested she invite her parents over to our house for a little cookout.

"My dad doesn't like grilled food," she told me.

"That's downright unAmerican," I responded. "Who doesn't love the delicious, smoky flavor of flame broiled animal protein, juicy and sizzling, subtly seasoned by the stray woodash of an open fire?"

"My dad," she said.

So, it looks like Sunday is taken care of, but I'm still hopeful for Saturday.

Laugh it up,


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"Two thieves stole $16,000 worth of iPhones from a New York Apple store by dressing as Apple 'Geniuses.' Police are on the lookout for two 'Actual Geniuses.'" -Conan O'Brien


"A European perfume company has released a series of 'Star Wars' themed scents called Empire, Jedi, and Amidala. It's the perfect cologne for what is almost certainly your first date." -Seth Meyers


"Last night, the last primary was held in Washington, D.C. The primaries being over reminds me what my brother used to say when I was a kid: 'I'm going to keep punching you in the face but it will feel so good when it's over.'" -Stephen Colbert


The supermarket had a sale on boneless chicken breasts and I intended to stock up. At the store, however, I was disappointed to find only a few skimpy pre-packaged portions of the poultry, so I complained to the butcher.

"Don't worry," she said, "I'll pack some more trays and have them ready for you by the time you finish shopping."

Several aisles later, I heard the lady butcher's voice boom over the public-address system: "Will the gentleman who was looking for bigger breasts please meet me at the back of the store."

*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------*

The company my brother worked for had a phone system that rerouted after-hours calls. If any calls came in on a certain line while he was working late, Dave knew it would be a wrong number. It got to the point where as soon as the phone rang, Dave would pick up and say, "Psychic Hotline. I'm sorry, but you've dialed the wrong number."

The caller would often reply with something like, "But I didn't even ask to speak to anyone yet. How did you know I dialed the wrong.... Oh!" (Click.)

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