Monday, September 16, 2013

Good morning crew,

Kids are amazingly, emotionally resilient. My job at the martial arts school has devolved into basically screaming at them for thirty minutes a day. It's the only way I can get them to listen to me.

Kicking them works too, but that tends to make them cry. So mostly I scream. It's stressful for me, so I cam imagine that it's a lot for four, five and six-year olds to handle. I'm amazed most of them even to show up for class anymore.

But then last weekend I was spotted by one of the five-year-olds in a restaurant. He ran up to me, yelling, "Instructor Joe! Instructor Joe!" delighted that he actually knew people out in the world.

I got up, he very politely shook my hand, and we spent a few minutes discussing the quality and variety of the board of fare while his parents and neighboring diners looked on, slightly annoyed.

After he left and I sat back down the girlfriend expressed that I seem to be fairly popular with the students.

"News to me," I responded. "If I had to guess from the way they treat me in class I'd say every single one of those kids hates me."

But I look on it philosophically. Like Gunnery Sergeant Hartman from the movie "Full Metal Jacket" said, "The more you hate me, the more you will learn."

Laugh it up,

Joe

joe@gophercentral.com

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"Congress is considering a bill that would force advertisers to lower the volume of their TV commercials. OK, how did my mother get in Congress?" -Jimmy Fallon

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"The kids are going back to school. When I was a kid, you used to take an apple to school for the teacher to get on her good side. Now you send over a drink." -Dave Letterman

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"Plans are being discussed for a reality show based on the White House. It's called 'Lame Duck Dynasty.'" -Jay Leno

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In a morning Bible study, a group of women were studying how to live in a loving relationship with your husband. The women were asked, "How many of you love your husbands?"

All the women raised their hands.

Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?"

A few women answered today, some said yesterday, and some didn't remember.

The women were then asked to take their phones and send the text message, "I love you, sweetheart."

After a few minutes, the women were asked to exchange phones and read aloud the responding text messages.

Here are some of the replies:

1. Who is this?
2. Uh, mother of my children, are you sick?
3. I love you too.
4. What now? Did you wreck the car again?
5. I don't understand what you mean.
6. What did you do now?
7. ?!!???
8. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?
9. Am I dreaming?
10. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.
11. I thought we agreed we would not drink during the day.
12. Your mother is coming to stay, isn't she?


*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------*
Eric is sitting at the bar staring morosely into his beer. Tom walks in, sits down and asks him what the problem is.

"Well," said Eric, "I ran afoul of one of those awkward questions women ask. Now I'm in deep trouble at home."

"What kind of question?" asked Tom.

"My wife asked me if I would still love her when she gets old, fat and wrinkly."

"That's easy," said Tom. "You just say 'Of course I will'".

"Yeah," said Eric, "That's what I did, except I said 'Of course I DO...'"