Monday, December 16, 2013

Good morning crew,

Kids, or young adults I should say, are a lot different than when I was a young man. And I'm not just saying that because I've reached the age where people in their 20s are starting to call me "mister." I have concrete evidence in an incident that occurred last Thursday night.

I stopped out at the bar after class to have a couple drinks with the wife, like I do most Thursdays, and while we were sitting there three young guys we know, who are taekwondo instructors at the school where the wife takes classes, walked in and said hello to us.

Feeling in a holiday mood I said to them, "Let me buy you guys a drink. What'll you have?"

They stood dumbly staring at the rows of bottles displayed behind the bar for about 30 seconds before one of them, and I'm not making this up, said, "Uuuuuuh...I'm not sure. Give me a few minutes." Like I was a bartender waiting around to take their order.

And another one said, "Yeah, let me think about it." Whereupon they turned around and sat down at a table.

Now these guys are part-time taekwondo instructors. I know one of them works 20 hours-a-week at a Starbucks to help pay his rent. I didn't think they were in a position to be so finicky.

When I was 22 somebody wouldn't have had to ask me twice if I wanted a free drink. I would have immediately answered, "Yes!" And if a more detailed answer were required I would have answered, "Yes sir (or ma'am, depending)!"

And I haven't changed much. There is something parsimonious in me that makes it very difficult for me to refuse anything free.

So, shortly thereafter I paid my bill and left. Who knows, they may still be sitting there trying to figure out what they want to drink.

Laugh it up,

Joe

joe@gophercentral.com

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"Researchers at Yale found a connection between brain cancer and work environment. The No. 1 most dangerous job for developing brain cancer? Plutonium hat model." --Jimmy Fallon

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"Yesterday Fox News anchor Megyn Kelly told viewers that Santa Claus is white. Then she said Santa's elves are Mexican and they are stealing jobs from American elves." -Conan O'Brien

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"In an annual list that ranks states based on how healthy they are, the healthiest U.S. state is Hawaii. Mississippi finished 50th out of the 50 states, which isn't surprising. Healthy eating is not big in Mississippi. Their state bird is the fried chicken." -Jimmy Kimmel

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The Bachelor Diet

Monday

Breakfast - Who can eat Breakfast on a Monday? Swallow some toothpaste while brushing your teeth. Lunch - Send your secretary out for six "gutbombers" - those little hamburgers that used to cost a dime but now cost sixty five cents. Also order French fries, a bowl of chili, a soft drink and have her stop on the way back for a family size bottle of Maalox. Afternoon Snack - Drink the Maalox. Dinner - Six pack of beer and Kentucky fried chicken three-piece Dinner, don't eat the coleslaw.

Tuesday
Breakfast - Eat the coleslaw. Lunch - Go to the office vending machine and put ninety five cents in and close your eyes, push a button and eat whatever comes out swallowing it whole to prevent nausea. Dinner - Four tacos and a pitcher of Sangria at El Flasho's.

Wednesday
Breakfast - Stomach couldn't handle breakfast after a night at El Flasho's. Lunch - Rolaids and a coke. Dinner - Drop in at a married friends house and beg for scraps.

Thursday
Breakfast - Order out for pizza. Lunch - Your secretary is out sick, check Mondays gutbomber sack for leftovers. Dinner - Go to a bar. Ask the bartender for extra olives.

Friday
Breakfast - Eggs, sausage and an English muffin at McDonalds. Eat the Styrofoam plate and leave the food. It tastes better and it's better for you. Lunch - Skip Lunch, Fridays are murder. Dinner - Steak, medium-rare, baked potato and asparagus. Don't eat the asparagus, nobody really likes asparagus.

Saturday
Breakfast - Sleep through it. Lunch - Ditto. Dinner - Steak, well done, baked potato, and brussel sprouts. Don't eat the Brussel Sprouts. Take them home and plant them in a hanging basket.

Sunday
Breakfast - Three Bloody Mary's and a Twinkie. Lunch - Eat Lunch? And waste a good buzz? Dinner - Chicken noodle soup. Call home and ask about renting your old room.


*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------*
We were celebrating the 100th anniversary of our church, and several former pastors and the bishop were in attendance. At one point, our minister had the children gather at the altar for a talk about the importance of the day. He began by asking, "Does anyone know what the bishop does?" There was silence. Finally, one little boy answered gravely,

"He's the one you can move diagonally."