Friday, March 18, 2016

Good morning crew,

I was looking forward to two days of convalescence, wrapped up in blankets on the sofa and drinking hot tea with plenty of honey and brandy in a final blitz to kill whatever superbug has taken up residence in my sinuses, but the wife is kicking me out of the house Saturday night so she and her girlfriends can have a wine party.

"You can have the entire basement, complete with a bar, all to yourselves," I said. "What difference does it make if I'm upstairs on the sofa, quietly watching TV? What don't you want me to see?"

"Well, after we share a few bottles of wine we all change into lingerie, play Twister and then have a pillow fight," she answered.

"Really?"

"No."

So Twister or no, I guess I'm going to the movies and dinner by myself Saturday night. Just like the old days, except I have less money and less chance of getting slapped by a cocktail waitress.

Laugh it up,

Joe

joe@gophercentral.com

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"According to the Annual World Happiness Report, the United States is the 13th happiest country in the world. You know what the happiest country in the world is? Denmark. Danish people are the happiest. Of course they're happy, they have a pastry named after them." -Jimmy Kimmel

***
"Amazon's got this new voice-activated home assistant gadget called the Echo. You just talk to the Echo, and it tells you the weather or sports scores or controls the lighting or climate in your house. Now, the Echo is always listening, but it only activates when you say its name: Alexa. It's a pretty name, much prettier than the earlier name, the privacy-destroyer spy-mic 5000." -Stephen Colbert

***
"In last night's Democratic debate, Hillary Clinton said that several times a day, she speaks to God. But never for under $100,000." -Conan O'Brien

***
A father and son went fishing one day. After a couple hours in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him.

He asked his father, "How does this boat float?"

The father thought for a moment, then replied, "Don't rightly know, son."

The boy returned to his contemplation, then turned back to his father, "How do fish breathe underwater?"

Once again the father replied, "Don't rightly know, son."

A little later the boy asked his father, "Why is the sky blue?"

Again, the father replied. "Don't rightly know, son."

Worried he was going to annoy his father, he says, "Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?"

"Of course not, son. If you don't ask questions, you'll never learn anything!"


*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------*
A woman said to her friend, "I don't know what to do. My husband is such a mess maker that you can't imagine. He doesn't put anything in its place, I am always going around the house organizing things."

The friend says, "Take a tip from me. The first week after we were married I laid the law down firmly with my husband. I told him, 'Every glass and plate that you take, wash when you are done and put back in its place.'"

The first woman asked, "Did it help?"

Her friend said, "I don't know. I haven't seen him since."