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Friday, July 22, 2016

Good morning crew,

We have been enjoying what they call a 'heat dome' here in the Chicago and greater midwest area over the last few days.

The news has been talking about the brutal temperatures, but really it has not been that hot. The average temperature for Chicago this time of year is 85 degrees F, and today it is 87, and tomorrow it is supposed to be 91. So hot, yeah, but we're not frying eggs on the sidewalk.

What's really hard to take is the humidity. We had a few thunderstorms last night and today the humidity is 60 percent. After five minutes outside you feel like you just stepped out of the shower. And not a cool, refreshing shower, but the kind of hot shower you might take after 90 minutes in the gym, when you think lots of hot water will keep your muscles from getting sore, so you stay in there longer than you normally would, and then your skin feels hot even after you get out and towel yourself off. That kind of shower.

But that's not going to keep me from doing a little grilling this weekend. I have been reading some rib recipes I want to try. Maybe the wife will get motivated to pull out and inflate her two-ring 'dog' pool. Then we can do a few laps if we get too hot and sticky.

Laugh it up,

Joe

joe@gophercentral.com

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"Donald Trump Jr. spoke at the Republican Convention and said his dad was his best friend, which is sweet and a little sad. I was imagining if my dad was running for president, and I thought about it for a long time. I think my speech would say, 'My dad taught me the most important thing - when someone offers you his finger and asks you to pull it, don't. Nothing good comes of it.'" -Jimmy Kimmel

***

"A 91-year-old woman in Germany is under investigation for destruction of property after she tried filling in words on a crossword puzzle on display at an art museum. If charged, the woman could face time in a four-letter word for enclosure." -Seth Meyers

***

"Scientists have discovered that men are genetically programed to look at other women. So sorry, ladies, it's science. I've got to do what I've got to do." -Conan O'Brien

***

In order to make the world a better place, the following rules will take immediate effect across the planet.

1. It is no longer permitted to be stupid and slow. You must choose one or the other.

2. If in the course of parking your car you are not able to maneuver the vehicle into a space in less time than it takes to undergo and recover from open heart surgery, it is not permitted to park in that space.

3. If you are waiting for an elevator that is slow to come and you are the sort of person who pushes the call button repeatedly in the belief that it will make a difference, you are no longer permitted to use elevators.

4. Boxes of Christmas cards that carry messages like "May your holidays be wrapped in warmth and touched with wonder" must bear a label on the outside of the box saying: "Do Not Purchase - Message Inside Is Embarrassing and Sentimental."

5. In office buildings and retail premises in which entry is through double doors and one of those doors is locked for no reason, the door must bear a large sign saying: "This Door Is Locked for No Reason."

6. Liver and goat cheese will no longer be regarded as foods. In fancy restaurants, salads may no longer contain anything that can be found growing at the side of any public highway.

7. When standing in line at a retail establishment, it is not permitted to engage the sales assistant in conversation regarding the weather, the health or personal relationships of mutual acquaintances or other matters not relevant to the purchase.

7a. Anyone who reaches the front of a line and says, "Now what do I want?" and purses his lips thoughtfully or drums his fingers on his chin while studying the ordering options as if for the first time will be taken outside and shot.

8. Any electronic clock on which the time is set by holding down a button and scrolling laboriously through the minutes and hours is illegal. Also, when you are trying to set the alarm for, say, 7:00 a.m. and the numbers get to about 6:52 and then suddenly speed up and you discover that you have gone past the desired hour and have to start all over, that is extremely illegal.

9. All Americans will appreciate irony. Britons will understand that two ice cubes in a drink is not nearly enough.


[This list was written by Bill Bryson in his book I'M A STRANGER HERE MYSELF. The original list contained several other items, but that would have made it too long for publication here, and to tell you the truth the other items weren't really that funny anyway.]




*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------*

SOMETIMES...

Sometimes...
when you cry,
no one sees your tears.

Sometimes...
when you are in pain,
no one sees your hurt.

Sometimes...
when you are worried,
no one sees your stress.

Sometimes...
when you are happy,
no one sees your smile.

But fart just ONE TIME!

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