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Clean Laffs - It's not paranoia if they're really out to get you.
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Friday, December 16, 2016
Good morning crew,
One of the things I really hate about the holidays is buying gifts. It's not that I don't want to spend the money, but I never know what to get anybody. I can't bring myself to buy pointless little nick nacks that will just get thrown away, and I don't pay enough attention to anything anybody says to pick up hints about what they really need or want.
I finally solved this problem years ago by getting everybody the kinds of gifts that I would really enjoy getting; namely booze.
This has worked very well with one important exception; the wife. No matter how heartfelt, she does not fully appreciate the sentiment involved in a good bottle of slivovitz or kruskovac or Feigling.
So every year finding the right gift is a struggle. Some years I have been more successful, some less. But this year she surprised me by taking me shopping herself.
Our current coffee table was given to me 20 years ago by an old roommate. It has a big crack in it and it is covered in water stains. Not the most elegant piece of furniture. So the wife has been talking about replacing it ever since we moved into the new house. Well, last week she found a furniture store that was having a big clearance sale and suggested we might find a nice coffee table for cheap.
Low and behold she actually did find something very nice that both she and I liked, and it was discounted enough that I could afford to pay for it in cash.
"That you, Sweetheart," she said. "I love it. This can be my Christmas present. You don't have to get me anything else."
"Really?" I asked. "Are you sure?"
"Sure I'm sure," she said.
I can't tell you how relieved I was to hear that. But the last few days I have been getting suspicious. Somehow I get this feeling that no matter what she said she is still expecting something on Christmas morning.
Maybe I'm paranoid. Or maybe I know my wife a little too well.
Laugh it up,
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"When an FBI agent first contacted the DNC to tell them they'd been hacked, the person who took the call thought it was a prank. 'Yeah, it happens more than you'd think,' said FBI Agent Seymour Butts." -Jimmy Fallon
"The oldest living American, a New Jersey woman, has just turned 114. At her birthday party she said, 'Why are we celebrating? I just spent 114 years in New Jersey.'" -Conan O'Brien
"Google released their list of the most-searched phrases of 2016. The top-trending search terms were Powerball, Prince, Hurricane Matthew, and Pokemon Go. I think that sums up our priorities as Americans: money, celebrities, the weather, and playing games on our phones." -Jimmy Kimmel
THE SYMPTOMS OF INNER PEACE
Be on the lookout for symptoms of inner peace. The hearts of a great many have already been expose to inner peace and it is possible that people everywhere could come down with it in epidemic proportions. This could pose a serious threat to what has, up to now, been a fairly stable condition of conflict in the world.
Some signs and symptoms of inner peace:
A tendency to think and act spontaneously rather than on fears based on past experiences.
An unmistakable ability to enjoy each moment.
A loss of interest in judging other people.
A loss of interest in judging self.
A loss of interest in interpreting the actions of others.
A loss of interest in conflict.
A loss of the ability to worry. (This is a very serious symptom.)
Frequent, overwhelming episodes of appreciation.
Contented feelings of connectedness with others and nature.
Frequent attacks of smiling.
An increasing tendency to let things happen rather than make them happen.
An increased susceptibility to the love extended by others as well as the uncontrollable urge to extend it.
If you have some or all of the above symptoms, please be advised that your condition of inner peace may be so far advanced as to not be curable. If you are exposed to anyone exhibiting any of these symptoms, remain exposed only at your own risk.
*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------*
A co-worker was telling us about her sister who was coming to visit her for the holidays. Someone asked how old her sister was, at which she paused, thought for a bit, and then answered, "She's half as old as I am, that's how I always remember."
So someone else (okay, it was me) said, "That's neat, So every year that you age, she only ages half a year?"
My co-worker thought about that, and then said, "Oh, yeah, I guess it only works on even years."
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