Tuesday, January 7, 2014

Good morning crew,


"Joe, why do you have to go to Indiana to pretend to be James Bond? I don't remember a single Bond movie taking place in Muncie." -A Bond Fan


Right you are. The reason we went to Indiana was not for the exotic locale but because we can smoke in the casino there. There is no smoking inside any public building in Illinois, but in Indiana I get to light up my $4 Arturo Fuente while I donate next month's insurance payment.

And it is not that I am an inveterate smoker. Far from it, in fact, but on the rare occasions that I get to pretend to be a big shot I like to do it right. I put on my best suit (my only suit), wear my gold nugget ring, wrap a 50 dollar bill around a roll of 100 singles and order vodka martinis. To me the whole experience wouldn't be complete without a big, fat cigar to gesticulate with while I throw golden one-liners out at the table like, "This isn't a hand, it's a foot!"

Hey, I never said it was mature, but it is fun.

Laugh it up,

Joe

joe@gophercentral.com

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"The method preferred by most balding men for making themselves look silly is called the 'comb-over,' which is when the man grows the hair on one side of his head very long and combs it across the bald area, creating an effect that looks...from the top...like an egg in the grasp of a large tropical spider." --Dave Barry

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"'Muesli' is not a word we use in America. When we sweep up after we have been doing woodwork and put it in a bag with mixed nuts and a little birdseed, and pretend it's a healthful breakfast, we call it granola." --Bill Bryson in I'M A STRANGER HERE MYSELF

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"Scrapie is another excellent word. Scrapie clearly couldn't mean anything but a disease. Though, on reflection, it might be a Scottish cut, as in, 'e fell down and got a wee scrapie on his knee." --Bill Bryson

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HOW DOES YOUR STATE RATE?

ALABAMA ... Was the first place to have 9-1-1, started in 1968.

ALASKA ... One out of every 64 people has a pilot's license.

ARIZONA ... Is the only state in the continental U.S. that doesn't follow Daylight Savings Time.

ARKANSAS ... Has the only active diamond mine in the U.S.

CALIFORNIA ... Its economy is so large that if it were a country, it would rank seventh in the entire world.

COLORADO ... In 1976 it became the only state to turn down the Olympics.

CONNECTICUT ... The Frisbee was invented here at Yale University.

DELAWARE ... Has more scientists and engineers than any other state.

FLORIDA ... At 759 square miles, Jacksonville is the US's largest city.

GEORGIA ... It was here, in 1886, that pharmacist John Pemberton made the first vat of Coca-Cola.

HAWAII ... Hawaiians live, on average, five years longer than residents in any other state.

IDAHO ... TV was invented in Rigby, Idaho, in 1922.

ILLINOIS ... The Chicago River is dyed green every St. Patrick's Day.

INDIANA ... Home to Santa Claus, Indiana, which get a half million letter to Santa every year.

IOWA ... Winnebagos get their name from Winnebago County. Also, it is the only state that begins with two vowels.

KANSAS ... Liberal, Kansas, has an exact replica of the house in The Wizard of Oz.

KENTUCKY ... Has more than $6 billion in gold underneath Fort Knox.

LOUISIANA ... Has parishes instead of counties because they were originally Spanish church units.

MAINE ... It's so big, it covers as many square miles as the other five New England states combined.

MARYLAND ... The Oujia board was created in Baltimore in 1892.

MASSACHUSETTS ... The Fig Newton is named after Newton, Massachusetts.

MICHIGAN ... Fremont, home to Gerber, is the baby food capital of the world.

MINNESOTA ... Bloomington's Mall of America is so big, if you spent 10 minutes in each store, you'd be there nearly four days.

MISSISSIPPI ... President Teddy Roosevelt refused to shoot a bear here. That's how the teddy bear got its name.

MISSOURI ... Is the birthplace of the ice cream cone.

MONTANA .. A sapphire from Montana is the Crown Jewels of England.

NEBRASKA ... More triplets are born here than in any other state.

NEVADA ... Has more hotel rooms than any other place in the world.

NEW HAMPSHIRE ... Birthplace of Tupperware, invented in 1938 by Earl Tupper.

NEW JERSEY ... Has the most shopping malls in one area in the world.

NEW MEXICO ... Smokey the Bear was rescued from a 1950 forest fire here.

NEW YORK ... Is home to the nation's oldest cattle ranch, started in 1747 in Montauk.

NORTH CAROLINA ... Home of the first Krispy Kreme doughnut.

NORTH DAKOTA ... Rigby, North Dakota, is the exact geographic center of North America.

OHIO ... The hot dog was invented here in 1900.

OKLAHOMA ... The grounds of the state capital are covered by operating oil wells.

OREGON ... Has the most ghost towns in the country.

PENNSYLVANIA ... The smiley, :) was first used in 1980 by computer scientists at Carnegie Mellon University.

RHODE ISLAND ... The nation's oldest bar, the White Horse Tavern, opened here in 1673

SOUTH CAROLINA ... Sumter County is home to the world's largest gingko farm.

SOUTH DAKOTA ... Is the only state that's never had an earthquake.

TENNESSEE ... Nashville's Grand Ole Opry is the longest running live radio show in the world.

TEXAS ... Dr. Pepper was invented in Waco back in 1885.

UTAH ... The first Kentucky Fried Chicken restaurant opened here in 1952.

VERMONT ... Montpelier is the only state capital without a McDonald's.

VIRGINIA ... Home of the world's largest office building... the Pentagon.

WASHINGTON ... Seattle has twice as many college graduates as any other state.

WASHINGTON D.C. ... Was the first planned capital in the world.

WEST VIRGINIA ... Had the world's first brick paved street, Summers Street, laid in Charleston in 1870.

WISCONSIN ... The ice cream sundae was invented here in 1881 to get around Blue Laws prohibiting ice cream from being sold on Sundays.

WYOMING ... Was the first state to allow women to vote.


*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------*
Vacationing in Kentucky, a friend and I spent the night at a small motel outside of Louisville. In the morning, I asked the woman at the desk for directions to Churchill Downs. Not able to tell us, she called her husband from the back room.

"Churchill Downs?" he asked. "That's the race-track, isn't it?" We nodded. He hesitated and then said, "I'm pretty sure it's somewhere south of the university. I'm sorry, but I don't think I can be much help."

At that point his wife left the room. The husband looked over his shoulder to make sure she had disappeared. Then he winked at us, leaned over the counter and whispered, "Take Third Street through town, go past the university and turn right on Central Avenue. After that, just look for the twin spires. You can't miss 'em!"