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Friday, February 27, 2015Good morning crew,
I have to admit I am a little nervous about having my taxes done. With all of the house buying and selling last year I am afraid I am going to end up paying some kind of capital gain and actually owing taxes.
I'm not sure how that could happen, since I had to pay cash in order to sell the condo, but if there is one thing the government is good at it is bleeding every last, possible nickel out of the tax-payer.
With 74,000 pages of tax code (I'm not kidding, look it up on the Internets!) there is plenty of labyrinthian minutiae that can be used to turn a loss on my part into a tax I have to pay.
Maybe I should incorporate myself over-seas somewhere like those giant corporations who have been dodging billions of dollars in taxes.
How does "Clean Laffs Publishing of Luxembourg" sound?
Laugh it up,
Joe
joe@gophercentral.comP.S. Did you miss an issue? You can read every issue from the Gophercentral library of newsletters on our exhaustive archives page. Thousands of issues, all of your favorite publications in chronological order. You can read AND comment. Just click
GopherArchives***"Wal-Mart announced that it will increase its employees' hourly wages by 40 percent. Workers are pretty excited because they'll finally make enough money to shop at Target." -Jimmy Fallon
***"A new study suggests dishwashers may increase a child's risk of developing allergies. So the message is clear: Stop washing your kids in the dishwasher!" -Conan O'Brien
***"Alaska today officially legalized marijuana for recreational use. But there are some special rules. You're not allowed to smoke marijuana in public, and you have to follow special disposal rules. You can't just throw a joint in the trash. The last thing you want is a grizzly with the munchies." -Jimmy Kimmel
***Accident Report.
I am writing in response to your request for additional information. In block number three of the accident reporting form, I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should explain more and I trust that the following details are sufficient:
I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I discovered that I had about 500 pounds of bricks left over. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which fortunately was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor.
Securing the rope at the ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 500 pounds of bricks. You will note in block number 11 of the accident reporting form that I weigh 135 pounds. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid rate up the side of the building.
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming down. This explains the fractured scull and broken collar-bone. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately, by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope in spite of my pain.
At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground - and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel now weighed approximately 50 pounds. I refer you again to my weight in block number 11. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building.
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles and lacerations of my legs and lower body. The encounter with the barrel, slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell onto the pile of bricks and fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the bricks in pain, unable to move, and watching the barrel six stories above - I again lost my presence of mind.
I let go of the rope!
*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------*As I drove into a parking lot, I noticed that a pickup truck with a dog sitting behind the wheel was rolling toward a female pedestrian. She seemed oblivious, so I hit my horn to get her attention. She looked up just in time to jump out of the way of the truck's path, and the vehicle bumped harmlessly into the curb and stopped.
I rushed to the woman's side to see if she was all right. "I'm fine," she assured me, "but I hate to think what could have happened to me if that dog hadn't honked..."