Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Good morning crew,

This morning the girls in the office were talking about how they deal with spiders in their homes. One said she uses a giant handful of tissue to kill them so she doesn't feel them squish. Another said she sucks them up with the vacuum cleaner.

I said I like to talk any spiders I find in my house into committing suicide.

Laugh it up,

Joe

joe@gophercentral.com

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"Sunday is Mother's Day. My mother did so much for me. If it weren't for her, I wouldn't be here. I mean here in California. When I was 40, she kicked me out of the house." -Craig Ferguson

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"Researchers at Harvard say red wine can slow the aging process. They say if you drink red wine, it can help you look younger. And you can look even younger if you get the other person to drink it." -Jay Leno

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"A new study found that most people can?t go 10 minutes without lying. But since the study took 20 minutes nobody knows what to believe." -Jimmy Fallon

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To get a man's attention, just stand in front of the TV and don't move. He'll talk to you. I promise.

"C'mon, Honey. Really, Honey. Honey!" A real man will just sit there and wait for you to step aside. If you don't, eventually he'll say, "What? All right, what? I'm sitting here, okay? I'm listening!"

Another way to get his attention is to fool around with his stereo equipment. Or mess around with the car. Adjusting the timing chain is a good one. If he has a tool pegboard, remove a tool and hide it somewhere special. Within a day he'll notice that it's gone and come right to you. Be prepared though, He will be cranky.

More attention getters: scratch the paint on his car, throw out his favorite sweatshirt, or punch him in the stomach when he's not looking. His expression alone will be priceless.

--Tim Allen


*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------*
While I was working in the men's section of a department store, a woman asked me to help her choose a white dress shirt for her husband.

When I asked about his size, the woman looked stumped at first, then her face brightened. She held up her hands, forming a circle with her forefingers and thumbs.

"I don't know his size," she said, "but my hands fit perfectly around his neck."