Monday, May 5, 2014

Good morning crew,

We did some more house shopping this weekend. I have learned that everything I like is just about ten thousand more than I can afford. That must be some kind of formula because it seems to apply to everybody who has come to look at the condo too. Everybody who looks at it likes it, but none of them can afford it.

I wonder why people make appointments to walk through the condo when they know they can't afford it, but then I have walked through several houses I can't afford. The reason I do it, of course, is to go through peoples' closets.

Laugh it up,

Joe

joe@gophercentral.com

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"A New York man is being sued for a quarter of a million dollars after his ex-girlfriend claimed he harassed her with nearly a hundred emails. If 100 emails are worth a quarter of a million dollars, that means Crate & Barrel owes me $256 billion." -Seth Meyers

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"Facebook has come out with a new feature that lets people see where their friends are at all times. It's called, 'Nearby Friends,' which is better than the original title, 'Avoiding Relatives.'" -Jimmy Fallon

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"Ronald McDonald recently received a makeover, which includes a new vest and bow tie. Not to be outdone, after an operation the Burger King is now the Burger Queen." -Conan O'Brien

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"YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY..."

"Everything Comes In Threes" - Not true. In reality, everything comes in ones. Sometimes, when three "ones" come in a row, it seems like everything comes in threes. By the way, in medieval times, it was widely believed that everything came in twenty-sixes. They were wrong, too. It just took them longer to recognize the pattern.

"You Can't Take It With You (when you die)" - Well..., that depends on what it is. If it's your dark blue suit, you can certainly take it with you. In fact, not only can you take it with you, you can probably put some things in your pockets.

"You Learn Something New Every Day" - Actually, you learn something old every day. Just because you've just learned it, doesn't mean it's new. Other people already knew it, Columbus is a good example of this.

"You Get What You Pay For" - Clearly this is not true. Have you been shopping recently? Only a very naive person would believe that you get what you pay for. In point of fact, if you check your purchases carefully, you'll find that you get whatever they feel like giving you. And if corporations get any more powerful, you soon might not even get that.

"NICE GUYS FINISH LAST" - Not true. Studies have shown that, on average, nice guys finish third in a field of six. Actually, short guys finish last. By the way, in medieval times, it was widely believed that nice guys finished twenty-sixth. You can see how limited those people were.


*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------*
Heading down the interstate, our car passed through a huge swarm of gnats so dense that their bodies made popping noises as they hit the windshield. "I can't get over how loud they are," my wife said.

"Well, we are hitting them at 65 miles an hour," I pointed out.

Her reply left me speechless. "There's no way bugs can fly that fast!"