Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Good morning crew,

I have been married for a little over six weeks now, and so far it is not much different from dating. We still hardly see each other. I did catch her for about an hour last night, but usually I don't see much of her except for the weekends.

We have not had any hilarious lifestyle clashes like you see on TV where she is grossed out by the dirty underwear I'm constantly leaving in the refrigerator crisper drawer and I'm creeped out by the bizarre feminine hygiene accoutrements that begin appearing in the bathroom.

But what has proved to be true is the expense involved in being married. If this first month is any indication I am going to be more broke than ever.

So I am looking into a third job. The only free time I have left is the weekends, and that leaves me retail work or something at a bar. Now I have always thought I'd make a good bartender. I picture myself like a less insane Tom Cruise in Cocktail. Unfortunately I don't have any experience on that side of a bar, but really...how much different can mixing drinks be from drinking them?

Laugh it up,

Joe

joe@gophercentral.com

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"Today 7-eleven stores in Singapore debuted a new food dispenser, an instant mashed potato dispenser. This means the Indonesians are pulling ahead of us in the cholesterol race. This is serious. We may have to raise our threat level to defcon bacon." -Craig Ferguson

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"We are in the worst drought in 56 years. That seems unbelievably negative. Wouldn't that be the best drought?" -Jimmy Kimmel

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"Farmers in France have started giving their cows two bottles of wine every day, in order to make better beef. Unfortunately, all the cows wind up doing is texting their ex-milkers." -Jimmy Fallon

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A few years ago the battery in my beat-up VW Beetle had died because I left the lights on overnight. I was in a hurry to get to work on time so I ran into the house to get my wife to give me a hand to start the car. I told her to get into our second car, a prehistoric oversized gas guzzler, and use it to push my car fast enough to start it. I pointed out to her that because the VW had an automatic transmission, it needed to be pushed at least 20mph for it to start.

She said fine, hopped into her car and drove off.

I sat there fuming wondering what she could be doing.

A minute passed by and when I saw her in the rear-view mirror coming at me at about 30 mph, I realized that I should have been a bit clearer with my directions...


*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------*
While attending an open house, my wife was taken with the home's modern features, especially the central vacuum system installed within the walls. But she had a practical question: "What do you do when all the walls fill up?"