Monday, August 3, 2015

Good morning crew,

Welcome to August! 52 days of summer left (or 36 if you only count up until Labor Day).

I'm definitely looking forward to finally getting my summer started. It seems like so far all I've done this year is home repairs. And writing a series of successively larger checks is not exactly how I imagined my first summer in the new house.

But there is still time to salvage the rest of the year. The house may suck all of the money out of my life but I'm not about to let it suck all of the fun!

Laugh it up,

Joe

joe@gophercentral.com

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"I saw that the D.C. newspaper The Hill published its annual list of the 50 most beautiful people in politics yesterday. And once again, it only had five people on it." -Jimmy Fallon

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"Scientists said yesterday that the T. rex may have had teeth serrated like a steak knife, which may have helped it eat meat more efficiently. Experts believe the T. rex evolved the knife-like teeth after having so much trouble using regular silverware." -Seth Meyers

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"It was announced that they are developing the very first invisible car. Why would anyone want that? An invisible car is just going to be an excuse people use when they try to walk through the Jack-in-the-Box drive-thru." -James Corden

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Report from The Washington Post, in which they asked readers to come up with absurd warning labels for common products.


Fourth Runner-Up -- On an infant's bathtub: Do not throw baby out with bath water. (Gary Dawson, Arlington)

Third Runner-Up -- On a package of Fisherman's Friend(R) throat lozenges: Not meant as substitute for human companionship. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

Second Runner-Up -- On a Magic 8 Ball: Not advised for use as a home pregnancy test. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

First Runner-Up -- On a roll of Life Savers: Not for use as a flotation device. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon)

And the winner of the Power Ranger pinata: On a cup of McDonald's coffee: Allow to cool before applying to groin area. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)


*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------*
While working as an airline customer-service agent, I got a call from a woman who wanted to know if she could take her dog on board.

I told her the dog was welcome, as long as she paid a $50 charge and provided her own kennel. I further explained that the kennel needed to be large enough for the dog to stand up, sit down, turn around and roll over.

"I'll never be able to teach him all that by tomorrow!" the customer complained.